


Limp and Lifeless

by WarnerHedgehog



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Humor, Humour, Interviews, Parody, Television, celebrity, chat show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-09-17 05:18:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16968396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarnerHedgehog/pseuds/WarnerHedgehog
Summary: A parody of host-behind-a-desk celebrity chat shows. it will hopefully be six 'episodes' long.It is now at five episodes. Episode 6 has been started.





	1. Episode 1

**Announcer:** Due to an executive decision by BTB’s massively overpaid upper management, the following programme has been renamed and the incredibly expensive title sequence has been replaced by a more expensive brand new sequence.  ‘The Look’ is no more, but what we're proud to give you is **DRAMATIC PAUSE** Limp and Lifeless!

**Cue expensive looking title sequence with lots of flashing colours, pictures and animations of the hosts and poor choices concerning lettering styles.**

**Dominic is sat at a desk with a few props and odd things on it, including pictures of today** **’s guests as well as a plastic anteater. Next to the desk is a posh-looking sofa with a little table in front of it. Behind him is a large semi 3D mural of London at night. For some inexplicable reason it is populated with owls.**

**Dominic:** Hello and welcome to Limp and Lifeless, the chat show without a difference. I’m Dominic Limp and I’ll be snug and warm in my comfy chair in my lovely air conditioned studio as I interview well prepared and rehearsed celebrities who are here to sell their next project to the gormless and gullible public. My Co-host if you can call him that is Andreas Lifeless, who will be freezing his sorry rear off in the cold outdoors as he tries to interview people who couldn’t care less about what he’s asking and are annoyed that they’re being attacked in the street by a berk with a microphone. That’s the introductions out of the way, so here’s a sneak peek of what’s on tonight’s show.

**Cut to a quick-fire montage of celebrity faces, bemused looking people and a bored audience.**

My first guest is an American comedy chat-show host who’s famous for his lightning fast style and his enormous team of writers, lawyers and editors, please welcome the fabulous  Jon Colbert!

**Cue jolly snazzed up and badly played version of his show** **’s theme song. Jon walks on and Dominic stands up to shake his hand and greet him. They both mutter insults about each other through clenched teeth, hoping that no-one catches any of it.**

**Dominic:** Hi Jon, glad you could make it. How was the journey?

**Jon:** Not bad, it was pretty uneventful actually. There was this fat guy who kept coming on to me, but hey what can you do?

**Dominic:** When you’re on a plane, not much. Just hope he gets distracted by the pretty colours on the TV screen and nods off.

**Jon: Grinning** Hey, after he took his ‘medication’ **He winks theatrically** that’s pretty much what happened.

**Dominic:** And how are you finding London?

**Jon:** It’s ok. I haven’t had much time to go sightseeing yet, but I went to Buckingham Palace this morning and I’m planning to do a tour of strip clubs tonight.

**Dominic:** Can’t say I blame you. Well, before we get started, let’s have a look at a clip of you in furious comedic action.

**We cut to a clip of Jon reading an autocue full of carefully crafted American jokes to an audience who may or may not be there. The laughter sounds suspiciously canned.**

**Dominic: slightly stilted** That’s pretty funny stuff **.** Well Jon, you’re pretty big in the US at the moment, but then you've come quite a long way in the industry. As I understand it, you started out with a very small job at Dundertainment Weekly.

**Jon:** Yeah, at the time they were just a glossy celeb gossip magazine and I was Biggie Dunder's tea boy. He shouted for tea or coffee or cocaine and I had to sort it out pretty sharpish. Somehow they spotted my potential as an irritating reporter and sent me out to get snaps of minor stars and to bother people. For a while I was part of a paparazzi group: We called ourselves the 'Pepperazzi' because we were mostly fuelled by pepper sauce and pizza. We would take it in turns to go out and get pictures of underdressed female celebs ‘cause the gossip rags ate that stuff up. We had a little competition where we’d compete to get the best pic of whoever was in the news and the guy who made the most money from a shot would buy the pizza that day.

**Dominic:** Sounds just like my student days: **wistfully** Pizza, booze and pictures of half-naked weathergirls **.** Anyway, let's move on and talk about your long running feud with Faux News' infamous source of misinformation Will O'Pinionated.

**Jon:** Well, that shameless asshole Will and I, we go way back **.** He was one if the editorial team at Dundertainment, and it was his job to sit in a comfy, airy office and make up rumours or gossip about various celebs if there wasn't anything juicy enough that was actually real.

**Dominic:** Sort of the exact opposite of your gig really.

**Jon:** Yeah, I had to go out to dig for photogenic printable dirt and he stayed in the office and simply invented it. I found out that he didn’t even bother with phone-hacking. Apparently it was too much effort and involved him spending money. During winter I really hated and loathed his smug irritating face. I still do in fact. The only plus side was that he got himself into hot water with the rich and famous pretty much every day. Once he incensed Bryce Parsley so much that she hired a couple of thugs to beat the tar out of him. That was actually pretty funny. After that I made a decision never to bother Bryce as I respected her for her actions and I’m allergic to goons.

**Dominic:** According to my researchers Old Will got the TV gig first didn't he? Didn't he get a regular slot as entertainment correspondent on Joy Lino's MCB news show?

**Jon:** And boy did that piss me off. He basically carried on doing what he did at Dunder: making stuff up off the top of his cueball head and getting away with it, the only difference being was that he could look self-righteous and pompous as he presented it:  So when Goliath Mailbloke offered me the chance to be a regular on his show, I jumped at the chance.  I’ll do pretty much anything to annoy that shiny-headed prick.

**Dominic:** So things sort of ballooned from there?

**Jon:** Pretty much. After I got the Mailbloke job, that’s when Stephen Maher appeared on the chat show scene. He was an anarchic poet and bee enthusiast and it turned out that William NoMates, who was head of Thyme-Wanna Edutainment was also a bee lover and they went to the same bee club in downtown Milwaukee.  Who’d have thought bees would be so important in the entertainment industry? Not me that’s for sure. **Getting well into his stride** Well, it wasn’t long until the big wigs at Faux offered me my own show on what they called at the time the ‘Faux Comedy Hour of Laughter. It was never the catchiest of names so I renamed it Colbert’s Faux Comedy and that kinda worked.

**Dominic:** And now you have this friendly rivalry going on? You even appear on each other’s shows from time to time.

**Jon:** Even though our shows are on different networks, our bosses love the publicity you get from this cross-pollination approach to TV and each time we do it they send us shiny expensive  things. And if we do it in such a way that it gets on the nerves of that smug-faced gimp Will O’Pinionated then so much the better.

**Dominic:** So, out of interest, what was O’Pinionated’s reaction to you getting your name in big flashy lights in the main section of a title sequence?

**Jon:** It really ground his gears big-time, which pleased me no end. He insincerely congratulated me on air and did a little segment dedicated to hurling insults my way and privately he sent me an envelope containing synthetic anthrax the very next day, which only goes to show what a swell guy he is. I’ve basically spent the intervening years insulting him and taking swipes at pretty much everything he says in an effort to discredit him, make him look as stupid as possible and get his fat ugly make-up plastered face off the airwaves. It probably won’t work, but it’s fun to try.

**Dominic:** Well, we look forward to seeing highly edited clips of you doing just that on the internet. Enjoy the rest of your chat show tour of the UK. Thank you very much Jon Colbert! There’s this coming up after the break!

**Cut to a quick-fire confusing montage of the upcoming guests in a variety of dodgy poses and followed by a comedic mini pre-ad animation. The short break animation sequence involves Dominic being carried off by a pigeon for no adequately explored reason. It returns him upon coming back from the ad-break.**

**Dominic:** Welcome back, and now we go live to Andreas Lifeless. Where the bloody hell are you Andreas?

**Andreas:** Hi Dominic, you smug studio-based twat. I’m in a little street called Buttock Passage in the beautiful market town of Dunderton in the county of Aimlessshire. I’m here today to get the general opinion on Salad Weeks’ new novel ‘Farming for Herring’.

**A middle aged gentleman strolls by and is pounced on by Andreas:**

**Andreas:** Hi, you’re live on Limp and Lifeless. What do you think of Farming for Herring by Salad Weeks?

**Punter: Angrily** Salad Weeks? How dare you talk to me about salad weeks? I can’t stand that awful woman: in fact I bloody hate her and everything she's ever done. She’s married to an absolute thimblegawker, she’s got the face of a melted badger, she started out writing for the Daily Turbot and her books are the purist disgusting filth and I wouldn’t sully my eyes with any of it. What’s far worse in my overblown humble opinion, and I know this for an absolute certain fact is that she’s a devout Satanist:  Salad Weeks is a worshipper of the Dark Lord Beelzebub and his sickening demonic ways and I also know for a definite fact she buys her shoes. I wouldn’t touch her or her books with a 10 foot pole if you paid me. Good day sir, may an ocelot grant you your thruppence.

**With that the punter storms off with a face like thunder, muttering about bloody reporters as well as something unsavoury about Salad Weeks.**

**Andreas:** What a strange man. Well, he wasn’t a happy bunny was he? Well, let’s see who’s next.

**As the angry punter disappears around a corner, Brian and Eric appear round the same corner.  Brian is telling Eric a joke, and as he gets closer we hear:**

**Brian:** It’s the outlaws that are wanted!

**Eric: laughs** Nice one Brian!

**Before their conversation could continue, they were interrupted by Andreas:**

**Andreas** : **Quickly barked out** Hello, what do you think of ‘Farming for Herring’ by Salad Weeks

**Andreas then quickly shoves his microphone right under Eric** **’s nose.**

**Eric:** Wha..who...Who on earth are you and what are you selling?

**Andreas:** I’m not selling anything my friend; I simply want your opinion on Salad Weeks’ new book.

**Eric:** **With what he (incorrectly) thinks is** **‘ghetto attitude** **’** Oh, I see. Well, I don’t no read books, and I ain’t never heard of no Salad Weeks.

**Brian:** I have, and I don’t care for her books, but I’d happily give her a review if you know what I mean. **He winks at Andreas.**

**Andreas: Realizing he** **’s grabbed a pair of dodgy weirdoes:** I see. I wouldn’t wish to detain you any further. Thank you for your time.

**Eric: Strangely** Any time my man, anytime.

**Brian and Eric ponce off, now discussing the finer points of Salad Weeks** **’ anatomy. Passing Brian and Eric and heading straight for Andreas walks a lady in her 70s. Andreas quickly grabs her for her opinion.**

**Andreas:** Hello my lady, I’m asking people about their views on Salad Weeks’ new novel, ‘Farming for Herring’. Have you read it?

**Lady: with a massive knowing smirk.** That I have young man, that I have. It’s filled with innuendo and smut. Rammed with it, so it is, absolutely rammed. It’s stuffed with lots of sex and hard throbbing muscle-bound men here there and everywhere ripping young ladies clothes off and doing them at the drop of a hat. I loved it. I love anything like that. **She looks from Andreas to the cameraman to the soundman** In fact, I think I want to live that way, and I’m going to start right now! **She suddenly grabs Andreas and snogs his face off, while trying to shove her hand down the cameraman** **’s trousers. Without hesitation, the soundman legs it away down the road. Andreas and the cameraman finally manage to shove her away and also leg it. She** **’s left shouting her lust at them. They peg it round the corner and eventually Andreas addresses the camera:**

**Andreas: Shakily and unsteady.** These people are terrifying! That’s all from me, back to Dominic in his nice comfy maniac-free studio.

**We cut to Dominic who is trying and failing to stifle a giggle**

**Dominic:** Well, maybe we’ll hear from Andreas, god of love a little later on, but for now onto our next guest. Charlene Firebrand MP was born in the quaint little village of Dinglebridge in Indifferentshire, where she gained a love of politics. At just 20 she joined the Conserbour party and at 22 she became her town’s representative in Parliament and hasn’t looked back since. Well that’s not strictly true as recently she’s been looking at the past and has written a book entitled ‘The Badgers of Westminster’. Here to discuss her new book and her career so far, please welcome Charlene Firebrand MP!

**He stands up to greet his guest. She** **’s grinning like a Cheshire cat. This is attention and she loves that**. **They do the usual kiss on the cheek thing and some ad-libbed banter while they sit down.**

**Dominic:** Welcome to the show.

**Charlene:** Thank you. Have you had botox?

**Dominic:** Charming as ever, happy to see you too. Now you have a new book out entitled The Secrets of the Badgers of Westminster. That’s a pretty kooky title, so what’s it about?

**Charlene:** The Badgers of Westminster were this 16th century secret society headed by a guy named Charles De Goose. They essentially had 2 aims: the ruination of Charles’ political opponents, and far more weirdly than that they wanted to remove Christianity in all its forms and replace it with a religion based around the god Ciabatta. They were basically militant secretive Chiabattaites.

**Dominic:** So a pretty weird bunch of guys then. Did they do the whole robes, chanting and tons of incense secret society thing?

**Charlene** : They _so_ did that and they took it to some pretty mad levels. Beneath the streets of Shoreditch is a maze of tunnels that they used to get around without attracting unwanted attention. They even built an underground Ciabatta temple, complete with statues, idols, and changing rooms.

**Dominic:** So who was this Ciabatta then? Was it some corrupt version of a Greek god or did one of them make it up completely?

**Charlene:** Well, Charles De Goose apparently pinched the idea from a 14th Century mid Dorset cult who worshipped a flamingo god called Foccacia InDeRye. He modified their ideas and sprinkled a few theatrical bits here and there and got himself a religion.  According to the famous historian Sir Herbert Whelksley, he changed Foccacia’s form from a flamingo to a Badger as it was a bit more relevant to the British people and a flamingo would just confuse them. To be honest no-one has any idea how the 14th Century folks came upon the idea of a flamingo in the first place. One can only assume they had one too many sherries. **She laughs a very posh laugh.**

**Dominic:** From what I read in your book, after some quite frantic conspicuous activity in the late 1500s, they sort of vanished around 1602. What happened to them?

**Charlene:** Well for a start old Charles De Goose died. He was caught up in a quite bizarre incident involving a prostitute called Lenny, an amusingly shaped parsnip and the playwright Willie OrWontie, the details of which are lost in the mists of time. That caused a lot of them to lose interest in the whole gooseberry, and another thing which really didn’t help was his successor. The organisation was taken over by a rather bland and useless man by the name of Verily Dullard who had very little personality and an unfortunate addiction to candied sprouts. Verily also liked to gamble and in a moment of utter stupidity blew the entire lot of the cult’s money on one cock fight in 1604. After that the remaining members of the society had had enough and pushed him into a well. They held a meeting in an abandoned love shack and mutually decided that they’d been wasting their time all these years and it was time to disband. They went their separate ways and never spoke of it again.

**Dominic:** What a fascinating and insane sounding group they were. Your book is out right this very second I believe?

**Charlene:** Quite correct: It’s published by UnTrustable Books and is available online and from all fine bookstores, priced quite reasonably at 25 of your pounds.

**Dominic:** It’s important to remember that as well as being a published author, you’re also running for re-election later this year. How is life on the campaign trail?

**Charlene:** Apart from having to appear on ridiculous shows like this from time to time it’s great. I’m running for my home seat of South Poxspreader and we’re doing pretty damn fantastic. The Conserbour Alliance is stronger than ever and we are so going to knock seven bells out of our Labocrat opponents.

**Dominic:** So there’s no threat from those WeSnuze folks then? I hear their candidate one **Looks at his card and pronounces the name on it carefully** Blimey Sastard is one formidable guy.

**Charlene:** He’s only formidable when you compare him to the other WeSnuze guys around the UK: compared to us he’s a damp rag and we intend to wipe the floor with him.

**Dominic:** Another thing I wanted to ask was about your policies of Jam in pickle jars for everyone,  Your pledge to sprinkle grated cheese on the head of the mayor every week and a bright green human-sized hamster wheel in every gym, what’s all that about?

**Charlene** : Well, as well as those joyless chumps in WeSnuze,  another candidate for the seat is the Very Silly Party’s Meredith Mouse-Bucket-Cod-Wallop-Biscuit-Blender-Sneezers and we wanted to compete with him on his peculiar level: We wanted to appeal to his voter base in a way that they would understand: He’s pledging to put a custard doughnut on every public statue, replace all the road signs with pictures of gerbils, replace the town hall with a large wooden millipede and to have the whole town painted luminous pink. What we initially didn’t expect was that fact that it looks like the electorate around our way are so bloody idiotic that they would actually go for it. So we had to dumb down to his level to appeal to all the utterly deranged morons who vote. Just to be complete we have promised to wrap fairy lights and tinsel around each church in the area every Easter and to send a large blue inflatable squeaky duck to Westminster every year to represent us in Prime Ministers Questions. Honestly, if we didn’t have to put up with a bunch of insane apathetic junkie losers for a voter base who can’t tell the difference between their own shoes and a bucket of prawns we’d be fine **getting a bit worked up** but no, we’re saddled with the most aimless, sad, pathetic, brainless bunch of chowderheaded berks ever knuckle their shambling way into a voting booth and scrawl a tick in a box in crayon. I think under the circumstances that may not have been the wisest thing to say, but I will stand by it none the less. I think I need a drink. A very big drink come to think of it. Do you have any gin?

**Dominic:** Well after that little outburst, I’m sure you’ll do absolutely fine. We’re all out of gin, but good luck with the election and the book sales. Ladies and gentleman the soon to be fired Charlene Firebrand MP!

**Charlene:** Thank you Donny. **She pulls a hip flask out of a hitherto unnoticed pocket and takes a huge swig. She stands up, bows to the audience and staggers off. Dominic addresses the camera.**

**Dominic:** We’ll see you back here in part three. Don’t be strangers.

**Cut to another ad-break, this time the animation consists of Dominic riding a giant armadillo into a stadium full of chickens.**

**Dominic:** Welcome back to the show folks. Now, there are many skiing races around the world at this time of year and we set the intrepid and fearless Andreas Lifeless to the dullest, sorry, the worst of them.

**Cut to a pre-recorded film of Andreas interviewing cross-country skiers.**

**Voice over:** Davos-Klosters in the Swiss Alps, home of the ‘Hölle auf Schnee’, the most gruelling cross country ski race in the world. The competitors must cross 40Km of rugged mountainous terrain, while the weather throws its worst at them.

**Andreas:** Hi I’m at Davos-Klosters and this toughest of tough races has just been won by Tarquin Upper-Classtwit. I’m hoping to catch him before he goes into the Ski-Lodge medical centre to recover. I think this is him now! **The camera turns to the oncoming skier** No, it’s not Tarquin, its **Andreas squints to see who it is** its last year’s champ Bobby Scunner! **As Bobby gets close enough, Andreas reaches out with his mic.** Hi Bobby, How was the race?

**Bobby:** **Bobby** **’s accent is a fast spoken indecipherable gabbled mess of all the worst bits from pretty much every dialect on Earth** Wirl eet were a hurd fawt rice n I wuz ahid it da stat, bi’ Dare woz y Slengans of trucksy dohnhuhl tewns thit oi kynder got wrunk.  Oi mid uh’ sun tyne neah da finisk but in de und Tarquin ha me bit.

**Andreas: Not understanding a word of it but trying to blag it** And what are your plans for rest of the season?

**Bobby:** Oi jist huv te grut ma tyth, shage thus erf un pu’ eet dun ti padleens y’know, ud stidee de nickst sploot bitta. Oi noe mi slanding rayjine ‘s fyme, oi jus’ has ti prepure bitta. Oi noes oi cun wun agin, it jus’ a caz o’ nohwn de rice bitta.

**Andreas: Grinning out of confusion** Well, thank you Bobby. I’ll let you get back to your team. Good luck for the next race. **He pats Bobby on the shoulder**

**Bobby:** Cheez Andreas. Si Yow agin. **He pads off toward his waiting team.**

**The camera spins round to catch Tarquin crawling along. He hasn** **’t had time to remove his skis let alone catch his breath. He** **’s utterly exhausted. Andreas bounds over to him.**

**Andreas: Needlessly loud and jolly** Tarquin, This is Andreas Lifeless for The Look, how was the race?

**Tarquin: Breathing very heavily, and trying to speak through attempts to gulp in some air** Would you just piss off? I don’t even have the strength to punch you in the face, you useless tit.

**Tarquin** **’s manager Lenny Trotsky runs over, shoves Andreas out of the way and crouches down to help and offers Tarquin an energy drink.**

**Lenny:** Here Tark, drink some of this. You did great kid, you won. Don’t try to answer, just rest for now. I’ll get some guys to carry you to the med centre.

**Lenny stands up and turns to Andreas who without any actual thought, starts to try and interview Lenny.**

**Andreas:** Lenny, your boy Tarquin just won the ‘Hölle auf Schnee’. What’s your reaction?

**Lenny:** I think it’s fantastic and he’s worked bloody hard for it, and he doesn’t need berks like you shoving microphones in his face when he’s too knackered to even stand up. Now kindly get lost while I attend to my client. **Lenny shoves Andreas away and returns to tending to Tarquin. He motions to a couple of stretcher-bearers to come over and as they arrive, Andreas tries to shove his microphone into their faces while barking out an indecipherable stream of questions based gibberish. Another sportsman comes over to help.**

**Sportsman:** Hi Lenny, is this fool bothering you? **Lenny nods** Tell you what, I’ll take care of him for you **. He politely motions for the cameraman to back off and proceeds to punch Andreas in the stomach. We suddenly cut back to the studio.**

**Dominic:** That was Andreas Lifeless being punched by an angry sportsman, and you can’t say fairer than that. And now, music: our final guest today is pop duchess Katie Jay, who is pedalling her new bit of vapid and pointless rubbish, Mountains of Men. Take it away Katie!

**On strolls Katie Jay, who is dressed in a stunningly weird minimalist outfit that was apparently designed by a drug-addled Dior after being beaten up by Salvador Dali and Picasso. She is backed by a bunch of posing, self-obsessed airhead blokes who are clutching musical instruments and pretending to play them in an unconvincing manner while swaying vaguely in time to the music. Katie is also miming. Badly. This is her** **“song** **”:**

They say they want me

They say they need me

There’s nothing they won’t do

To try and please me

Its lust they’re after

A brief encounter

A quick night of pleasure

Instead of lifelong banter

 

Mountains of men

Mountainous men

Crowding around like moths near a flame

Clamouring men

Amorous men

They claim they’re all different

But they’re all just the same

 

They wanna know me

Some wanna own me

They say they’ve a special love

They wanna show me

They don’t want romance

Just a quick sex dance

Then they’ll to pry

Off another girls pants

 

You guys can go to hell

Your chat up lines as well

I ain’t buying your jive

I’m after love, you go live your lives.

 

Mountains of men

Mountainous men

Crowding around like moths near a flame

Clamouring men

Amorous men

They claim they’re all different

But they’re all just the same

 

Mountains of men

Mountainous men

They say my looks are to blame

Leering men

Jeering men

They claim they’re unique

But they’re all just the same

 

**Dominic walks over clapping insincerely. Katie buys it hook line and sinker.  They do the usual cheek kiss thing.**

**Dominic:** That was marvellous! Come on over and take a seat.

**As they walk over to the interview set, Katie is still pouting and posing at the camera like a demented loon.  She sits on the sofa while grinning like an idiot.**

**Dominic:** So Katie, it’s been a whirlwind of a year for you hasn’t it?

**Katie:** It certainly has been.

**Dominic:** You’ve done some modelling for Freda Fruitcake and after that you spent some time as a judge on the talent show ‘Pop Royalty’. What was that like?

**Katie:** It was like...err...judging. Yeah, that’s it.

**Dominic:** **Starting to get the idea that he** **’s not dealing with the brightest of sparks** Okaayy. Does anything from that stand out for you?

**Katie:** Errrm **Airhead pause for thought** Simeon Cowbell’s teeth stood out like a lighthouse! And then there was Shirley Curl’s outfits: They were very, very shiny. I like shiny things.

**Dominic:** Was any of the music memorable at all?

**Katie:** The music was alright **Giggles** I can’t remember any of it though.

**Dominic:** That doesn’t surprise me. It’s rumoured that you didn’t get on with your co-judge Lewis Scatch. Care to shed any light on that?

**Katie:**  He’s such a nice man! I don’t know where the media get this idea that he’s a lecherous old ratbag who only manages girl groups so he can ogle young ladies. I got on well with him and only had to bat away his wandering hands once.

**Dominic:** Okaaay, and before any music industry lawyers appear we’ll move on from that and onto your new album.

**Katie:** Have I got a new album out? **Pauses** Oh yeah, I have haven’t I?

**Dominic:** **Soothing yet sarcastic** That’s right, You have.  It’s called A Disc Full of Tat, is published by ThrowUp Records and is overpriced at an unreasonable fifteen quid.

**Katie:** Yeah, that’s it. We’ve just filmed the video for ‘Mountains of Men’ and it’s mostly me with very little on and a bunch of hunky beefcake idiots dancing around. And you know the funny thing? They all so self-obsessed and stupid they make me look like a candidate for Mensa and I’m as thick as 2 short planks, at least that’s the image my management want me to portray in the interests of making as much money as possible before people realise that my music is appalling.

**Dominic: Seeing the light** I see. That explains quite a lot.

**Katie:** Forget I said anything there. I usually try to. **Giggles again.**

**Dominic:** Right you are. Well, it’s been lovely to chat to you and your acres of exposed skin. Aren’t you cold? Anyway, Katie’s new album ‘A Disc Full of Tat’ is available for 15 pounds from pretty much every retailer, and will be in bargain bins and charity shops very soon. Ladies and Gentlemen, Katie J!

I’d like to thank Jon Colbert, Charlene Firebrand MP and Katie J. Next week, I’ll be talking to Colleen Underhand, Oliver Butterpuss, and Daniel Sproghouse. Music will be provided by the lovely Rita Lavish. Andreas will be in the Aussie Outback at the finish of the Aussie ‘Ardman double marathon interviewing people who stagger over the line. Here’s hoping he doesn’t melt or get punched again. Have a fantastic weekend remember if anyone’s watching, don’t. See you next week!

**The end credits go up, accompanied by a terrible wonky jazz version of the main theme tune.**


	2. Episode 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next episode.

**Usual talk show set-up: Curved desk covered in pictures of the guests and assorted junk, behind which is sat Dominic the overpaid interviewer: left of him is a couch on which interviewees sit. In front of the couch on which celebs park their rumps is a table. On said table is a selection of drinks bottles and some appropriate glasses. Behind it all is a silhouette cityscape that is for no particular reason populated by toy pigs.**

**Dominic:** Hello and Welcome to Limp and Lifeless, the chat show which asks only the stupidest of questions to the dimmest of people. I’m Dominic Limp and I’m just fantastic. Tonight I’ll be talking to glamourpuss Colleen Underhand, wordsmith Oliver Butterpuss, football minkey Daniel Sproghouse and the musical element is courtesy of pop sensation Rita Lavish. Hopefully R-Lav will sing us out with a rendition of her smash hit Trolley of Love. Here’s a quick and pointless montage to illustrate just that!

**Cut to a rapid-fire series of images of the guests as well as a few pictures of a well- known supermarket. In the middle of the mad set of pictures is an image of Dominic with nothing on.**

**Dominic:** And if anyone’s wondering where we’ve shipped Andreas Lifeless to this time, we’ve decided that this hemisphere is too good for him, so we’ve sent him to the other side of the world and plonked him at the finish of the Aussie ‘Ardman double marathon to see if he can annoy a runner to the point of violence.

**Cut to a brief animated title sequence involving dancing squirrels and some wheat.**

**Dominic:** My first guest tonight is a wonderful model and actress: star of Top Scone and The Fifth Development as well as being the face of Freda Fruitcake, please welcome the beautiful Colleen Underhand.

 **Colleen:** Thank you, Thank you. It’s great to see you Dominic.

**She sits demurely on the couch.**

**Dominic:** Now Colleen, you have a new movie out: ‘The Gothic Walrus Incident’ which is based on the novel by Gerald Cheeseboard. You play Spleeana do you not?

 **Colleen:** Yeah, Spleeana’s this kooky razzmatazz mime-artist from the classy side of the tracks who crosses the wrong people and gets stranded in the badlands of Bletchley. She has to hook up with petty gangster Eddie Stone, who’s played by Johnny Revolting in order to get her life back. On the way Eddie battles his own demons as he aims for his own redemption.

 **Dominic:** That sounds pretty damn cool. I think we have a clip of you and Johnny in action.

**Cut to a promo clip involving cars being rolled and flung through the air, lots of gun action and the stars looking moody and intense while wearing sunglasses and chewing far too much gum.**

**Dominic:** You had to do quite a bit of shooting in that. Did you have to learn to shoot?

 **Colleen:** Yeah, and it was pretty good fun. So much so that in one of my houses I have an underground shooting range and mime school.

 **Dominic:** Mime school? I presume this is another little spill over from the movie?

 **Colleen:** Mime is excellent. Thanks to the Gothic Walrus, I’m like the best mime artist in the world.

 **Dominic:** That is just so brilliant. I used to be a mime but then when I started working with Andreas I didn’t have to pretend to walk against the wind, y’know what I mean?

 **Colleen:** Yeeesss...

 **Dominic:** And what was it like working with Bob Yacht? Rumour has it that he’s a bit of a control freak.

 **Colleen:** Bob’s a pretty good egg to be honest. A lot of what’s written about him is so much rubbish. He’s  a bit controlling, but then he’s the director and that’s a good thing.

 **Dominic:** One little thing I wanted to chat about was about the relationship between you and one of your co-stars. Rumours abound of a bit of a rift between you and Mr. Revolting, care to fill us in?

 **Colleen:** Johnny’s a ...,well to be honest if I never work with him again it’ll be too soon. He stinks of onions and seems to think he owns the majority of the world.

 **Dominic:** So you don’t like him much then?

 **Colleen:** Put it this way. I can’t stand him one little bit. Throughout the shoot he insisted on having mirrors on set so he could grin at himself, and what was really, really odd was that he wanted everyone to call him John-Bo. Rumour is that he’s become involved with those crackpots ‘The Pennsylvania  Gnomists” and they’ve been whispering in his ear that his soul-name is really John-Bo and on their say-so he’s started to build a Medieval castle complete with cannons and trebuchet and a helipad Just outside Knightsville. 

 **Dominic:** So you’d say he’s gone a tad peculiar?

 **Colleen** : Maybe a little more than a tad.

 **Dominic:** One other thing springs to mind: why does he smell of onions?

 **Colleen:** According to Bob, the Gnomists put him on an onion diet. He thinks they did it to test Johnny’s Loyalty to their cause, whatever that is. 

 **Dominic:** I’d like to talk about your next project if I may, which you start shooting next week I presume?

 **Colleen:** I am indeed. Steven Spolbag asked me if I’d take a roll in his upcoming little TV project The Naked Weathermen, and I’m gonna be spending a few weeks down on his set.

 **Dominic:** **Suggestively** Are we going to see you naked? Hint hint?

 **Colleen:** You wish fat boy.

 **Dominic:** I do indeed. The Gothic Walrus Incident is out now, in cinemas everywhere and will be on DVD next week. It’s been a pleasure to have you here, ladies and gentleman a big hand for Colleen Underhand!

**The camera zooms in on Dominic as Colleen’s exit music is played**

**Dominic:** And now it’s time to go over to Andreas Lifeless. This time we’ve chucked him at Aussie land, where he’s about to talk to people as they finish the gruelling ‘Aussie ‘Ardman’ double marathon.

**We cut to Andreas who is wearing a hideous green cap, a horrible orange shirt and some grubby khaki shorts. He is talking very intently into a strange-looking microphone.**

**Andreas:** Hello from Wollongong in Eastern Australia. I’m in the Wollongong Showground which is where one of the world’s toughest races, The Aussie ‘Ardman finishes. Coming through that arch over there will be some of the best athletes in the world. They started in Sydney’s iconic football stadium just under 4 and a half hours ago and we’re expecting the front runners to appear any time now.  The last we heard the lead runner was Irish-born Kenyan Dougie Tickle, followed closely by Pixie Grandarse.

**He stops talking to listen to someone off camera.**

I’ve just been told they’re just about to enter the stadium....and here they are!

**The camera zooms in on two runners, the trailing one keeps trying to trip the leading man up.**

It looks like Dougie is still in the lead and Pixie is really unhappy about it.

**The camera continues to follow the runners as they go onto the running track. They go around the final bend and try to sprint for the finish.  Pixie tries to catch up but just doesn’t have the energy to overtake.  As they cross the line they slow to a halt and collapse. Various trainers, aides and assorted official weirdoes gather around. Eventually they manage to get one runner to his feet, and due to the large crowd of bods it is hard to see who. This doesn’t deter Andreas who decides to charge in with a manic determination to get an interview.**

**Andreas:** This is our chance. Let’s get in there!

**Andreas and crew run in to the pack of people and he barges through to the runner. It’s Pixie Grandarse they’ve picked up. Andreas quickly barks out a question:**

**Andreas:** So Pixie, how was the race, and how does it feel to be defeated here today?

**He shoves his microphone under pixie’s nose, hoping for some sort of response and only gets an incoherent moan/grunt. He’s suddenly pulled back by an aide who isn’t especially happy.**

**Aide:** Piss off Lifeless. I’ve heard about you and your stupid interview methods. Now get lost before I’m forced to punch your idiotic face off, I’ve got an athlete to take care of and I could do without berks like you sticking your stupid beaks in.

**He gives Andreas a shove, causing the interviewer to stumble a few feet back as the aide gets back to helping Pixie. Andreas is not about to give up yet.**

**Andreas:** Well, I guess I’m not going to get anything out of him. What about Dougie? Let’s get over there and find out.

**He goes over to the throng around Dougie and shoves his way through the crowd.**

**Andreas:** Dougie, You’ve won the Aussie ‘Ardman, what are your thoughts?

**He goes to shove his microphone under Dougie’s nose but misjudges it completely and smacks him in the eye instead. He’s immediately dragged off by an enraged official.**

**Official:**  Get off of him you stupid pillock! Look at what you’ve gone and done you bloody moron. What sort of ignorant prat does something like that? At least the guys from the proper channels have the decency to wait for people to recover a bit before asking dunderhead questions. I’m sorely tempted to punch your lights out, but instead I’m gonna have you done for assault. OFFICER!

**Nearby is a police officer who’s on crowd control duty. The official waves him over.**

**Officer:** What’s the problem here?

 **Official:** This man just hit Dougie Tickle here in the eye with a microphone, and I’d like to press charges.

 **Officer: To the camera crew**. You guys will have to stop filming now. Put the camera and sound gear down and deactivate them please.

**As the camera is lowered it switches off and we return to the studio:**

**Dominic:** And that was Andreas Lifeless, who’s about to be done for assault and battery...powered microphone, ha. Ha. Ha. It’s about time. And now we’ve got to have some messages from a bunch of corporations who are desperate for your money. Don’t be strangers now.

**Cut to a mad montage of pictures of ducks, which then cuts to an ad break. Upon return we are treated to another montage of images, this time it’ steam trains intercut with the odd picture of a lion or two.**

**Dominic:** It’s now time to welcome my second guest. Oliver Butterpuss is the award winning author behind such literary classics as ‘Noir Spuds’ and ‘The Lemonade Troll of Islington Gardens’. Here to plug his latest creation The Portesham Parsnip, please welcome Oliver Butterpuss!

**Oliver walks on and gives Dominic a handshake and a quick manly hug.  They sit down. Oliver’s immediate action upon sitting is to pour himself a whiskey. Throughout the interview, Oliver keeps sipping from and topping up his drink. He’s already had a few backstage, and these aren’t helping matters.**

**Dominic:** Welcome to the show. It’s good to see you.

 **Oliver:** Well hello young Dominic.

 **Dominic:**  So, what’s all this commotion about you and Candice Whipple?

 **Oliver:** **Sighs** Oh, that. The thing is, it’s all the fault of the Argyle bumhole.

 **Dominic:** This is undoubtedly your infamous spat with Plymouth Argyle’s ex-manager Chomondley Pigeonshafter I presume? Didn’t it all stem from the time you were both on ‘I’m Famous and I want Attention’?

 **Oliver:** Yes, the whole sorry thing is down to that one little show.  You know, it seemed like such a good idea when they asked me to participate, I mean, the fee alone was enough to buy Brighton and the publicity gained ensured my books would sell in their thousands for decades to come. I’m on the gravy train me old sparrow!

 **Dominic:** So Oliver, take us through this thing with Pigeonshafter. How did the whole sorry affair start?

 **Oliver:** Well, it was the third day on the show and old Chomondley had been, let’s say, on the good stuff.  Well he was convinced that I’d borrowed his tooth whitener, which is just such a preposterous idea. God knows how he got this thought into his head, I really don’t.

 **Dominic: Snappily** So you think you’re God?

 **Oliver:** Oh do shut up, there’s a good man. As I was saying, he thought I’d pinched his tooth whitener and decided to confront me about it, and we had a little bit of a spat about it. After he’d got that out of his system, I thought he’d calm down a bit but apparently he didn’t want to. I‘ve since learned that he wanted to cause a some controversy somehow just to get attention, the sad little twerp. Can we get onto the book now please? I really can’t be bothered with that rather sad debacle anymore: It’s just so much tosh.

 **Dominic: A little deflated.** Oh all right then. I was getting into that. Your new book, The Portesham Parsnip is released tomorrow, what’s it all about?

 **Oliver:** It follows Detective Derek Millpond as he tracks a criminal mastermind known as The Parsnip around the seedy metropolis of Portesham. There’s a series of murders and they all seem to point to this somewhat nebulous criminal figure. He’s got to work out what’s real and what isn’t as well as dismantling an international gang of rogue bakers.

 **Dominic:** What was the inspiration behind this novel?

 **Oliver: Getting a bit waspish** Crime dear boy, crime. You know murder and so forth? Can’t you do better than that? I thought you were a professional.

 **Dominic:** Look Butterpuss, You were invited on this show so you could plug your book. You’re getting paid to do this y’know and all you’ve done is sit there drinking whisky. How many have you had?

 **Oliver:** Just a couple.

 **Dominic:** A couple? You’ve had about four since you sat down, and I suspect you had a few before you came on, am I right?

 **Oliver:**   Alright, a few. A lot. A bottle or two then. I’m off my face. There, I admitted it to the both of you.

 **Dominic:** I think I’d best end it there **.** The Portesham Parsnip is published by Undetected Typo Books and is available from all good bog roll shops, and Oliver Butterpuss will be in AA soon. Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Oliver Butterpuss and his performing booze bottles! Don’t do away because after a short break we’ll have this:

**Cue a fast paced montage of clips from the careers of Daniel Sproghouse and Rita Lavish. Intercut with the relevant bits are random pictures of stoats.  Cut to adbreak.**

**Upon return we are treated to a thankfully short yet mad montage of pictures of Dominic Limp in a variety of stupid poses. This fades to a very glittery banner reading ‘Life and Limpless’ .**

**Dominic:** Welcome back to Limp and Lifeless!Ladies and gentlemen, be upstanding and g crazy because our next guest is Walford FC’s star striker, the glamour-kid himself, Daniel Sproghouse!

**On strides an apparently super-confident Sproghouse. He’s grinning a massive toothy grin while looking somewhat smug-yet-vacant. He plops himself on the couch and with a flip of his head, lets out a loud ‘Whoop’ in a mad manner.**

**Dominic:** So Daniel, your new Autobiography ‘Walford Days and Sun Hill Nights’ has just been released by Illegible Junk Books. What was it like writing it?

 **Daniel** : Hey man.. **Stares up at the studio lights** Whoop! You’re great man. **Grins inanely**

 **Dominic:** Mayyybe you didn’t hear me: What was it like writing your new book?

 **Daniel: Still grinning** That’s just shiny and fantastic baby. It’s all... Just... whoop!... y’know... Whooooooooo! yeeeaaaahhhhh... **Looks about and tries to wink at a girl in the audience.**

 **Dominic: Uncertainly** Rumour has it that that you’re not really the author of the book and that it was actually ghost written by Henry Illiterate. Would you care to respond to these allegations?

 **Daniel:** Groooooooooovy baby. **Grinning pause** Whoop! **Starts to nod his head to an unheard beat** Yeah man, yeah. So..yeah...grooo..get dowwwwwwwn baby...yeahhhh...Whoo!. **Goes back to Grinning and looking around.**

 **Dominic:** Okaaaay. So, what have you been sniffing tonight then?

**Daniel just sits there grinning, and occasionally winking. Dominic turns to the other side of the stage and mouths ‘can we please get him put away?’ to an unseen person.**

**Dominic: To Daniel** Does Catalina know you’re in this state?

 **Daniel: Vaguely tries to glower at Dominic and shakes his head uncertainly while trying to waggle a finger at Dominic. It’s all very uncoordinated** No, No No little duckie, nooooooo.  Haaaaa..Ha ha ha ha ha!..she...she don’ kno’ nuffin. **Goes back to grinning.** Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Whooo!

 **Dominic:** I See. She does now. **Someone off stage gets Dominic’s attention. It would seem his management has found a way to lure Daniel to rehab.** Well folks, this should be fun: Daniel’s management team would like to try something. Look Daniel; look at what Carol and Mike have for you.

**Carol and Mike come onto the edge of the set and wave what looks suspiciously like a plateful of cocaine at Daniel. There’s a rolled up banknote, just begging to be used as a snorting device. Daniel looks at the plate with lust.**

**Daniel:** Hellllooooo little Charlie! Hello Chuck. Let’s be friends. I’m gonna have me some bloooowwwww! 

**With superhuman effort, he manages to lever himself off the couch and stagger toward his new narcotic goal.  Carol and Mike lead him out of the studio by waving the plate at him. As they get outside, they take him toward a waiting security van. When they’re close enough they suddenly shove him in the back and slam the doors shut. They bang on the back and the van goes off, presumably taking him to an industrial-strength treatment facility. Mike and Carol calmly walk back in and go back onto the set.**

**Carol:** Sorry about that Dominic, it would seem he’s had a teensy-weensy bit of a relapse. I thought we were doing so well.

 **Dominic:** So what was he taking do you think?

 **Mike** : It could be anything to be honest. A few years ago he would snort absolutely anything, and I really mean anything. If he thought it had the slightest chance of getting him high, he’d do flour and it looks like he’s back into that somewhat peculiar mindset. It’s all rather sad really.

 **Dominic:** How do you reckon Catalina will react?

 **Carol:** If she’s sensible, she’ll drop him on his arse. Let’s face it, the way he’s been playing lately it’s pretty clear that his career was heading downhill and now he’s a drugged up wreck who’s liable to put all their cash into sniffable crap. I’d advise her to kick him to the gutter.

 **Dominic:** Carol and Mike, thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Daniel Sproghouse’s handlers!

**Carol and mike wave and walk off to deal with the fallout from Daniel’s little fall from grace.**

**Dominic:** And now, music. Here to perform her latest single ‘Trolley of Love’, please give a Limp and Lifeless welcome to Rita Lavish!

**Rita totters onto the stage where a band is ready to mime to a backing track. She is dressed in a lime green jumpsuit and has ridiculously large heels. As she stumbles and staggers around the stage she mimes badly to this ‘song’.**

I am on the trolley of love

Being shown round the tables of lust.

Are you the one I'm dreaming of?

One taste of you is never enough.

 

I'm on a platter, I'm there to be dipped in to.

And I've been sprinkled with warm exotic spices

I'm on offer, on sale to all those street fools

But I don't want them, you are much more nices.

 

I am on the trolley of love

Being shown round the tables of lust.

Are you the one I'm dreaming of?

One taste of you is never enough

 

They want to handle, put their hands all over

I'm passed around the room like some sort of salad

They just use me like a Snapchat lover

And chuck me in the bin as if used me is bad

 

You're the one that I need

But I'm saddled with them

They circumnavigate me

Again and again and again

 

I'm lying on the trolley of love

I'm through with the tables of lust.

You are the one I'm dreaming of

One taste of you is never enough

 

**Dominic gets up and goes over to Rita, givers her a hug and guides her to the interview couch onto which she flops.**

**Dominic:** Hello and welcome to the show.

 **Rita: Stern** Hello Dominic. Sorry, Sorry. **Smiles apologetically** I’m back to normal now. Hiya Dominic!

 **Dominic:** Well, you’ve only been on the couch a matter of seconds and it seems somewhat clear that you’re not a happy bunny. Anything that you want to get off your chest?

 **Rita:** Well, there is.It would seem my management are not best pleased of late. Apparently my image is not quite good enough for the likes of ‘certain people’.

 **Dominic:** So you’ve not had much support from your label recently then?

 **Rita:** Well, they’ve been real weird over the past few weeks: I was in a meeting last week and they were pretty attidudal with me.

 **Dominic:** I could never imagine that mob getting atitudinal at all. What on earth could be up with them?

 **Rita: Getting more annoyed** To be honest, I think they want me to be more like that American woman...what’s her name?.....Nicola Minge, y’know wearing practically nothing and attempting to do some sort of almost rap music thing. Every now and then I get these little communications trying to direct the sort of music on my albums. They say why not do it this way or get this bloke to produce it or wear this awful minimalistic thing in your videos: all sorts of little hints, and I ain’t biting. **Takes a big deep breath.** There that’s better. Sorry about that, I mean look at this horrific thing I’m wearing now. This is their idea, and so are these stupid shoes. They made me wear them two minutes before I came on, and I can barely stand in them. **She takes them off and offers them to the audience, who back away.** See? They’re sensible enough that that don’t even want to touch them.

 **Dominic:** I’m starting to see what you mean. Didn’t you start out as a teenage country singer?

 **Rita:** I did. All I wanted to do was play my guitar on stage, sing my own songs but over time the image guys went to work and now look, 10 years down the line and I look like...something really weird.

 **Dominic:** Do you still play guitar?

 **Rita:** When I get the chance. Some people seem to think that guitars are a thing of the last century and not fit for today’s music, besides they’d only get me to mime that as well. They seem to think its all electronic synths, playback and image. If you don’t shake your rump at a camera you ain’t hip or something, but never mind.

 **Dominic:** Nevermind? Does this mean there are plans in the pipeline?

 **Rita:** You could say that. Thinks for a moment, Well, I have some news to be honest. I wasn’t supposed to know about this, but it would seem my label are planning to drop me anyway. It would seem that I’m just not selling big enough anymore. There have been emails from....certain parties who shall currently remain nameless, who have no idea how email works and have accidentally forwarded me some confidential stuff I wasn’t meant to see, so as of the end of this conversation, I’m a free agent so to speak.

 **Dominic:** My lord, that’s...I’m speechless! What are you going to do?

 **Rita:** Well Dominic, I simply don’t know, but after this little round of promoting this song, I might take a holiday and do some serious thinking. Who knows, maybe Nashville will come calling?

 **Dominic:** Well Rita, maybe it will; you never know.  I would so love to chat some more but I’m getting an annoyed voice in my ear claiming that we’re just about out of time. For the next couple of days, Trolley of Love will be available from all tone deaf retailers. Ladies and gentlemen, we wish her the best with things; give it up for Rita Lavish! Next week my guests will be the lovely Esme Slutlet, Caroline Talentless and Bentley Harbinger. Music will be provided by Tokyo Sideboard. God knows where we’ll find Andreas, presuming he’s out of jail by then. Until that shiny day, thank you all for wasting your time with this drivel, goodbye!

**As the credits start to roll the image of Dominic looking smug fades to black. The tune is a strange blues version of the theme.**


	3. Episode 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next instalment.

**Title sequence: Mad rapid-fire combination of images and OTT morphing graphics ending in a poor font choice badly spelled title.**

**Scene: TV set with a chunky curved desk to one side. The desk is covered in pictures of the guests and other random bits of tat. Next to the desk is a gaudy sofa onto which the guests will flop their rears. Behind the desk and sofa is a rather shoddy silhouette cityscape which has some fluffy toy giraffes dotted about. In front of the sofa is a low coffee table which has a few booze bottles and glasses on it. There is also a plastic scorpion.**

**Dominic bounds onto the set with far too much enthusiasm and a big smug grin on his face.**

**Dominic:** Hello and welcome to Limp and Lifeless! We have a jam-packed show for you tonight: I'll be chatting to the beautiful Headly Maidup instead of the jailbird cake whore Esme Slutlet, shooting the breeze with bestselling author Bentley Harbinger, trading insults with Q-list actress Caroline Talentless and being crooned at by rockers Tokyo Sideboard. But it’s not just us studio rats flapping our gums at you, as the fearless Andreas Lifeless has ponced off to Bestbury EverFest to see which mud-caked stoner celebs he can irritate. Here's a sneak preview of what's coming up.

**Cue ultra-fast montage of various zoom-in still and moving images of the show's guests, interspersed with images of cakes and buns and some sly footage of Esme Slutlet being arrested**

**Dominic:** My first guest was supposed to be model, aspiring actor and probably not for very much longer, the new face of Agogo Leader: Esme Slutlet, but due to her recent well publicised Eccles Cake incident at Bun Buns Bakery she is currently indisposed at the discretion of Her Majesty's Jail and Pastry Rehab Centre. Replacing her at naff all notice is writer, critic, complainer and all-round column monkey Headly Maidup. Everybody give the big lump a big hand!

**Headly strides onto the set and cheerfully waves at the audience. Goes and shakes Dominic's hand a mite too enthusiastically.**

**Headly:** How in blazes are you young Dominic?

 **Dominic:** I'm good Headley my man, how are you?

 **Headly:** I'm absolutely spiffing dear boy!

 **Dominic:** Well let's improve that already groovy state of affairs, shall we? Do take a pew and pour yourself a drink.

 **Headly:** Why thank you, don't mind if I do.

**Headly flops down on the sofa and proceeds to pour himself a very large bourbon.**

**Dominic:** Headly Maidup, you are the grande bookmeister for Spew Magazine, and telling people your unwanted opinions has been the basis for your entire career in journalism. How and why did it all start?

 **Headly:** Well me old fruit, my first jobette was as a junior duck wrangler for the now defunct RSPHB.

 **Dominic:** Wasn't that the Royal Society for the Pointless Herding of Birds?

 **Headly:** It wash indeed. When upper management finally saw sense and realised that the whole thing was a massive load of codswollop, they shut the whole thing down in an instant. Obviously, I needed a new job shmartish and luckily found a position with Smart Alec Daily. They had a vacancy for a typo creator, so I applied.

 **Dominic** : So were you responsible for the infamous ‘Queen Pees the Sights’ headline?

 **Headly:** Yep! That was me. That was my first solo typo.

 **Dominic:** Definitely something to be proud of I’d say. So how did that lead to you spewing your opinions about books at people on a weekly basis?

 **Headly:** It's an oddbod story to be honest: It was an otherwise dull lunch break. I was sat reading Bill Wombat's Fillet of Corn in a dank corner of Rhode Island Beef on Drury Lane when Neddy Mongoose walked in and ordered a Toad Bang Deluxe. As you know, Mongoose was the then big cheese at the Evening Banner and he happened to be in the market for a book reviewers assistant. When he saw the only other literate person in the place, he offered me the job.

 **Dominic** : If my scattershot memory is correct, their book guy at the time was the thoroughly peculiar Binky Quibble.

 **Headly:** When I turned up, he was at the height of his drugs and cooking phase and was off his head on, well almost anything: so it turned out my job was to do all the work while his blubbery face got the glory.

 **Dominic:** And of course, the public knew nothing of his weird life.

 **Headly:** And a very weird life it was. He was actually married to a photocopier he kept calling 'Shirley’ and when he did show up at the office, he would sit at his desk and do pretty much nothing except give of a strange wibbley vapour and a quiet hissing noise.

 **Dominic:** I seem to recall him wearing shades a lot. In fact, I can't remember ever seeing pictures of him without them.

 **Headly:** Well, there's a reason for that which few people know. One of his narcotics of choice was a hardly-sought-after version of Crystal Meth called Spyune, and one of its weirder effects was to make one of your eyes glow tartan. There was that and his tendancy to stare at people in a blank-yet-menacing manner that was really off putting.

 **Dominic:** So, what happened to Binky in the end? To me he just vanished.

 **Headly:** It was very odd you know. It was the June of Splunkty Splinkty Seven and Binky had just come back from his annual European bender. He was sat at his desk, and I think he was trying to call a launderette to order a pizza. Neddy literally kicks the door in, rips Binky’s phone from the wall and physically drags him out. We were just stood there, gobsmacked as Neddy just hoiked him down the stairs.  We watched out the window as Neddy actually chucked Binky into the back of a van and then drove off. We never saw Binky again and Neddy refused to speak about it.

 **Dominic:** A lot of rumours abounded at the time, ranging from alien abduction to his retirement to Elvis’s secret Texas ranch. What were the rumours in the office?

 **Headly:** Some were convinced Neddy had taken him to a woodland someplace and shot him, upper management _insisted_ that it was a forced spell in rehab, whereas the biggest rumour by far was that Binky had been sold to an Armenian businessman for reasons we would never fathom. When Neddy returned to work the next day, I was summoned to his office where I was formally given Binky’s job and told to never ask about Binky ever again if I wanted to keep my place. Now that Neddy’s gone I can finally speak of that day, but to be honest, there’s not much I can actually say.

 **Dominic** : Do you ever miss the days of Binky and his glowing eye?

 **Headly:** Not in the slightest. It's all rather nice really: I get to read books all day and complain about them to the world in general and I get paid to do it and I don’t have that lugubrious walrus vizog putting me off. These days I can branch out a bit and review the odd album or the occasional call girl, but hey, that's showbiz isn't it?

 **Dominic:** It sure is. Now normally when people come here, they have a product to sell and advertise to the gormless public but you ain't got nothin’. Am I right?

 **Headly:** Quite true dear boy. Your producers rang the paper today in a massive panic because they’d lost a guest to buns and couldn't get hold of anyone's agent. They needed a space filler in a hurry and seeing as I was only sat about reading junk they said I'd do, so here I am.

 **Dominic:** Indeed, you are, but not for much longer as it’ll be time to move on shortly. But there’s still a poor question to be asked: Have you ever considered writing your own book? A memoir or a fictionalised account of your life perhaps?

 **Headly:** I pondered it once, but to honest I’m not sure I can really be bothered. It’s a lot of thinking, researching and editing and at the end I would probably have to review it and I suspect there would be people saying it’s a conflict of interest, and as soon as you have that, you have a hoo-haa.

 **Dominic:** And no-one wants to be involved in a hoo-haa.

 **Headly:** Too true, too true. So on balance I think I’ll leave the word-smithing to the professionals and stick to reading and spewing out my opinions. Besides, I would probably be too critical of myself and simply rate it bin-worthy.

 **Dominic:** I’m afraid I have to cut things short there Headly as there’s a producer shouting in my ear about money from adverts. **Leans over to shake Headly’s hand** Its been a pleasure as always young sir.  Ladies and gentleman, a big hand for Headly Maidup! After the break there’ll be a load more inconsequential tripe to confuse you all. See you in two.

**We cut to an ad break with another quickfire series of unrelated pics of shocked-looking celebs and awful rotating lettering. We come out of the ad break in much the same way.**

**Dominic:** Welcome back to part two! You’ll have to wait a while longer for something worthwhile because now we are going to go live to our very own intrepid adventurer, Andreas Lifeless. Where in the name of gluten-free water are you today?

**Cut to Andreas who is stood on what looks like an extremely muddy path there is a large tent to one side of the path behind him**

**Andreas:** Howdy do Dominic! Today I'm in the beautiful county of Slapshire, home of the majestic Grand Bottom Cathedral, the mysterious Plunderer's Hole and the breathtakingly hideous Tasteless Gin Works, but I'm not even remotely interested in them. I'm at one of the biggest events in the music calendar: The Bestbury EverFest. This annual mudbowl attracts up to 3 million people each time and amongst those dirt-caked hoards are quite a few of our best loved celebs, and here's one now, I think it’s the usually glamorous weathergirl Carly Spocktree!

**A quite attractive middle-aged woman, dressed in a gaudy and mud-splattered getup approaches Andreas.**

**Andreas:** Heya Carly how are you?

 **Carly: madly enthusiastic** Hiya Andreas! I'm absolutely brilliant! This place is totes terrific! I've just been to the Grilled Wombat stage to see Snope A Troll who were absolutely bruffing fantastic and later I'm off to the Sozzled Gryphon Tent with Paprika Jannsen to get bluesy with Carsick Carl. I'm really hoping he'll play his famous bedpan guitar. I really love that thing.

**They are interrupted by a couple of drunken lummoxes who take some time to leer at the camera and attempt to show their arses. One of them falls flat on his face, causing Carly to point.**

**Carly: With a very dirty laugh** Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Serves you right, you stupid twat. **To Andreas** Oops! Sorry, it just slipped out. Like his bum.

 **Andreas:** And a sorry sight it was.

**A rather large security bloke casually wanders up, easily picks the lout up and shoulders him, grabs the other one by the collar and heads off.**

**Andreas:** Well, that was different. Sooooo, Carly, who else have you seen?

 **Carly:** I got here yesterday and straight off bumped into Johnny Findus, so you might find him someplace here. I’ve seen The Admirals on the Deadwood Stage and Quid Pro Quo rocked it up a storm last night.

 **Andrea** s: Sounds like you’ve been about a bit. And where are you off to now?

 **Carly:** I've been told that Magic Sausage Fred is back with his amazing wizardly hot-dog stand, and this year he's near face-paint corner. So I'm off to get lioned and then sausaged.

 **Andreas:** Well you go and enjoy Fred's meat. See you soon Carly.

**With a song about arses, Carly wanders off to find food.**

**Andreas:** That was the gorgeous Ms Spocktree. I'm now going to head on over to the ACowStick stage where Willy Wrasse should be playing. It usually attracts the celeb set, so I'll see you in a little while.

**We cut back to the studio where Dominic is leaning 'casually' on a piano.**

**Dominic:** That was the nearly human Andreas Lifeless. Our next guest is an award-winning author and hemp enthusiast, who has come here to plug his latest novel 'In Amongst the Dormice': please give a warm welcome to Bentley Harbinger

**As the band plays something almost appropriate, Bentley semi-dances onto the show.**

**Dominic:** Now you're here to sell your latest book, "In Amongst the Dormice". **He pulls a copy out from beneath the desk and waggles it at the camera.** This is it and it's out now. Tell me, what's it about?

 **Bentley:** Well, in 1890s Poole there was a thriving rodent rubbing industry. Wealthy weirdoes from London would travel down to get their hands on mice and voles for mostly perverted reasons. With this happening around them, local yokels Billy Skunk and Elissa Bumrubber find each other while fending off the advances of various weirdoes and trouble causers.

 **Dominic:** Is this based on real life events or is it the result of week old cheese?

 **Bentley:** The rodent rubbing industry was quite real. It was started in a disused Cambridge shed factory by wealthy fruitcake and mammal botherer Sir Reginald Arsepiece in 1864. He had a somewhat unhealthy obsession with voles and used to shove them, as well as other small mammals into very personal places. His love of touching stoats caught on amongst the gentry and soon posh idiots from all around England were trying to literally get their hands-on mice and shrews.

 **Dominic:** That sounds completely demented. Did the authorities try to stop them?

 **Bentley:** Are you kidding? The authorities were usually the ones behind it! In fact, there was an infamous Judge in Dorset who ran a massive rabbit-fondling ring from a farmstead near Wimborne. As well as him there was an illicit vole-stuffing club in Yeovil that turned out to be owned and run by Lord Askwith Strawberry-Nadgers, the MP for Chichester. The whole of the establishment was totally into the putrid business in such a massive way you wouldn’t believe it, which is why it was so intriguing researching into the sad, sorry and downright disgusting affair.

 **Dominic:** I can’t exactly say I’m surprised. I found out that I’m the great great grandson of Lord Askwith, and there are some fairly unsavoury family rumours about him, but enough about my awfully fake family, what else can you tell us about your book?

 **Bentley:** The lead characters are actually based on an obscure lummoxshire folk tale that basically tells of a doomed romance in an old abandoned industrial dogging site. The tale itself is too horrendous to go into but the there was enough semi-usable material there to twist into the book that I’m flogging today.

 **Dominic:** So how did you manage to avoid it sounding like a tall tale spun by a half-cut bearded twit in a pub?

 **Bentley:** It wasn’t easy **.** About half-way through, that’s pretty much how it read, but after an awful lot of hard work and research and re-editing it was much more booky.

 **Dominic:** And then there’s the problem of relocating a Lummoxshire folk tale to semi-rural Dorset.

 **Bentley:** It’s not too hard if you know where to poke. Change a few locations here and there. Adjust a name or two. Batter it left, right and centre with a spiky stick. There’s almost no end to the ways you can take a well-known tale and make it almost unrecognizable. Take Hamlet for example: That’s just one or two bits of Genesis that have been extensively beaten up by some geezer in a ruff. Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy shows what you can do to with The Odyssey by Homer if you’re prepared to kick it about a bit. 

 **Dominic:** As well as your usual word abuse, there’s a television project you’ve been working on isn’t there?

 **Bentley:** Very true young badger, very true. The Brainless network approached me with an idea for a period drama set in rural Wyke Regis. Basically it’s about a 17th Century stand up comic trying to make it big in the Dorset comedy scene.

 **Dominic:** Is there anyone lined up for the lead role?

 **Bentley:** We’re still casting at the moment, but we have one or two in mind. We have a few names lined up for parts, but I can’t say who. Firstly I don’t want to spoil anything, secondly, the producers will actually hunt me down and kill me if I did.

 **Dominic:** Well that’s fair enough I suppose. Is there a role for a second to third rate talk show host?

 **Bentley:** I reckon we could find a place for you. Maybe as a transsexual milk maid or something. 

 **Dominic:** That’ll do. Hell, I could bring my own milkmaid’s outfit.

 **Bentley:** Whatever turns you on Dom.

 **Dominic:** Well Bentley, yet again I have to cut things short. My producer is yelling at me about sponsor money. Ladies and Gentlemen, give an enormous had for the interminable Bentley Harbinger. **Reaches over and shakes Bentley’s hand.** After the break I’ll be chatting to the beautiful Caroline Talentless. Ciao for now.

**Another mad flashy and badly designed cut to another ad break. Again, we return in much the same way.**

**Dominic:** Welcome back to part three. My next guest is an award-winning actress, chambermaid and charity campaigner, Caroline Talentless!

**Caroline walks on waving at the audience. She goes over and gives Dominic a hug.**

**Dominic:** So Caroline, tell us about The Return of the Stone Noses, your new all-action film.

 **Caroline:** Well, as you know it's being directed by the wonderful Flint Northcoppice as and I play Lucinda Morales, a hospital cleaner and part-time vampire hunter. She is warned of the revival of a group of super vampires called the Stone Noses and goes into full fight mode. But I can't do it on my own and I get to partner up with Rick who's played by Bryan Duckling.

 **Dominic:** The villain of the piece is played by Ronnie Runnen and I’ve heard he has a habit of playing practical jokes on his co-stars. Did he get you with any?

 **Caroline:** Yeah. One night he drugged me, put me into a livestock crate had me couriered to a zoo in Wyoming. **Forced Laughing** He also had Bryan put on the FBI most wanted list. That man is such a goofball.

 **Dominic:** What a wacky, far-out guy. Did you get him back?

 **Caroline:** Of course. I rented his Winnebago out to a crack dealer in South Dakota and for a bonus, I changed his legal name to Jennifer.

 **Dominic:** From what you’re saying, it sounds like the whole shoot was a riot from start to finish. Was that really the case?

 **Caroline:** Most of it was the most wretched thing I’ve ever been involved in. **Dominic looks shocked** Kidding, I was just joking! It was great for the most part.

 **Dominic:** Is it true that you did most of your own stunts?

 **Caroline:** It is, and it was so much fun. I mean, yes there was a lot of green-screen stuff and me being dangled on wires, but it was so cool. We did this big explosion scene in out in Arizona, were they blew up a, well I won’t spoil the surprise but it was basically an ice-cream truck stuffed with explosives. I though that was going to be a green screen thing, but they had me doing dialogue and acting cool while this big thing blew up behind me. I’m amazed I wasn’t thrown halfway to Illinois.

 **Dominic: Without a hint of sympathy** Sounds painful **.** Here’s something I’ve almost never wanted to know, what’s Bryan like to work with?

 **Caroline:** He’s alright really. Lousy kisser but there you go. There’s nothing I can really say, he’s a pretty nice guy to be honest.

 **Dominic:** A little birdy tells me this isn’t your only project. Rumour is you are recording an album of concertina rock covers. Is it true you picked up the concertina in your teens?

 **Caroline:** It is true. I actually started when I was 10.  I thought I was going to play with Elvis! I kept it going throughout all the film and telly stuff and now I am in a position to unleash my music on the world.

 **Dominic:** What music is your music? I was under the impression that concertinas were limited to accompanying Morris dancers and beardy folk nights.

 **Caroline:** I love to do Rock N Roll mainly, but I do stray into bubble-gum pop, opera and occasionally a bit of country.

 **Dominic:** By purest coincidence, I happen to have a concertina here. **Dominic reaches down a lifts up a bright red concertina** **and hands it to Caroline** Could you give us a taste of Rock Concertina?

 **Caroline: Getting herself set and laughing** Gosh, this is so unexpected! **She plays a deliberately out-of-tune[Frère Jacques](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BC6rvbxdywg) to wind Dominic up. **Ok, properly. **Takes a deep breath and rocks up a bit of something similar to Meat Loaf**

 **Dominic:** Blimey O Harpsichord, that was brilliant! So how did the idea of an album come about?

 **Caroline:** It’s an idea that’s been hanging around for ages. Every now and then someone would suggest it, then last year I literally ran into record producer Zambezi Hargeaves. We were both running to get a bus and went slap bang into each other. As we picked each other up we got talking, and it was his idea to get me into the studio.

 **Dominic:** And just what is the recording process like?

 **Caroline:** Just like voice over stuff really, but better. When this is done, I would definitely love to do it again.

 **Dominic:** How far are you through the process? Is there much to do?

 **Caroline:** We’re mostly done. Tomorrow we add the barnyard noises to Cowshed Blues, there’s the electric triangle stuff to dub on and then there’s the extensive mixing to do as well as a whole disc’s worth of annoying and poorly thought-out remixes and extended versions. We’re getting them done by members of Parliament so that might take a while.

 **Dominic:** Any idea when it’ll be released?

 **Caroline:** This time next decade at the rate we’re going! No, seriously, it’s planned for the 18th of Plinchember.

 **Dominic:** I look forward to seeing it in charity shops everywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Caroline Talentless! **Lots of applause as she saunters off** And now back to Andreas who I imagine has cornered another grubby famous festival casualty.

**Cut to a shot of a seagull on the top of a tent. The camera suddenly swings around to Andreas, who is looking a mite enthusiastic.**

**Andreas:** Welcome back to the Bestbury EverFest! I have indeed cornered someone: it’s the lead singer of Ice and Pauses, the fabulous Topher Swallow!

**The camera zooms out a tad and pans a bit to the right to reveal the grinning face of Rock casualty Topher Swallow.**

**Andreas:** You are one of the few people here not caked in mud! How in the name of jelly have you managed that?

 **Topher:** Lackeys man, I got me a bunch of spineless lackeys. They carry you from place to place in a sedan chair.  This is the new rock n roll dude: get yourself a bunch of toadies who’ll do anything for money

 **Andreas:** Lackeys?! That is SO 18th Century China! I love it. Do they just carry you about or is there more to it?

 **Topher:** Hell yes! They shop for me, they fetch groupies and bimbos, they even go get drugs if I want. I’m sure there’s more that they’d willingly do, but they all ugly.

 **Andreas:** Man, if I wasn’t working for that smug twerp in the studio I’d get me some lackeys.  So you’re playing later today on the Orbital Stage. Any surprises for the fans?

 **Topher: Giving Andreas a thoughtful look** Actually we’re on in about 5 minutes, but we may have a guest vocalist lined up.

 **Andreas:** There’s something to look forward to. I’d best let you get to the band. Back to you Dominic!

 **Dominic:** Thank you Andreas. There’s more after this bucket-load of adverts

**We cut to yet another Ad break via another montage of weird images and pointless swirly lettering, and we return the same way.**

**Dominic:** Welcome back to Limp and Lifeless! And now it's time for our musical guests to rock it up, here to give us their new single, Love Me Sideways, please put your palms together for Tokyo Sideboard!

**Tokyo Sideboard are a shabby bunch of moody-looking twentysomethings, dressed in semi grotty t-shirts and jeans. They have set up on the corner stage and on cue launch into their song:**

Love me sideways baby, love me up and down

Take me in a country haze, take me in a town

Do it any way you want, I'll always be around

I'm your sideways lover.

 

If you want it, I got it in spades

Love me till I gotta wear shades

Take me here and I'll take you there

Take it until you need to wash your hair

 

Love me frontways baby and I'll love you back

Love can be in a hotel or a potato sack

Do it any way you want, I'll always be around

I'm your sideways lover

 

You are the one I go straight to

When I need a perfect day

When the Crazy people of my world

Send it all astray

 

You know I want it big time baby

You're all I've wanted lately

But I don't want it straight on now

To the side, you know that's how

 

Love me normal, lady, I'll love you in return

We can be quite wavy, new stuff we will learn

Do it any way you want, I'm gonna be around

I'm your sideways lover baby

I'm your sideways lover

 

**Dominic bounds over, microphone in hand. Lead guitarist & singer Billy Spew puts his instrument on its stand and prepares himself for a probably stupid question.**

**Dominic:** Billy! Welcome to Limp and Lifeless! That was the title song from your new album was it not?

 **Billy:** It was indeed. Daffy Dave the drummer wrote it last year.

 **Dominic:** I’m very impressed. You’re in the middle of touring the album, so where are you next?

 **Billy:** We’re playing Betty’s Pie Shop in Wolverhampton tomorrow and then it’s down to a field near Crossways in Dorset.

 **Dominic:** Well you certainly play some exotic venues. Thank you Tokyo Sideboard! And now we return one final time to the Bestbury EverFest. Hello Andreas!

**Cut to a long shot of the festival. The camera zooms in to the main stage, on which is Andreas. He is in front of a microphone and has his arms in the air.**

**Andreas:** Hello Bestbury!

 **Andreas is in front of rock band Ice and Pauses and with a very good drum intro, they kick off and launch into a massive rock number, that Andreas sings utterly perfectly.** **When they finish, Topher Swallow takes the mic.**

 **Topher:** Everyone give Andreas a big hand **The audience goes mad** Your turn next, Limp.  Come and sing a song if you think your nearly as good as Andy here.

 **We cut back to a somewhat shocked Dominic**.

 **Dominic:** Well that was a surprise wasn’t it? Who’d have thought Andreas Lifeless would be a rock god? It’s been an action-packed show, so let’s give a big thank you to Headley Maidup, Bentley Harbinger, Caroline Talentless and Tokyo Sideboard. Please join us again next week when I’ll be chatting to the beautiful Catalina Sunderland, Wordsmith Salad Weeks and jet-setting comedian and actor James Vann. Music will come courtesy of Canadian warbler Keaton Croon. You never know, we might still have Andreas but then he might now be lead singer of Ice and Pauses. There’s only one way to find out and that is to tune in next time! Thank you and goodnight


	4. Episode 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next episode

**Title Sequence: A very over produced melange of effects and sparkly things, interspersed with the words “Limp and Lifeless”, which eventually collide in a manner that someone wrongly thought was clever.**

**Dominic:** Hello my little prawns and welcome to Limp and Lifeless. I’m Dominic Limp and you just love the sound of my monotonous voice! Tonight in my lovely air conditioned studio I’ll be chatting to James Vann, yapping with Catalina Sunderland and gassing with Salad Weeks. As well as that we have the ever-fearless Andreas Lifeless gadding about somewhere in the countryside as well as a special guest microphone wielder on a red carpet! Here’s a sneak preview of what you might see tonight!

**Cut to a stupidly fast rapid-fire montage of images of the guests, interspersed for no reason whatsoever with pictures of echidnas and wombats.**

**Dominic:** Tonight, in a change to our usual format and before we even introduce our first guest, we hand straight over to Andreas Lifeless, who is lurking somewhere out there in the world. Where the bleeding actual Nora are you?

 **Andreas:** Hello Dominic! Today I’m in the beautiful town of Gruntford, which is pretty much slap-bang in the middle of Bottyshire. The reason that I’m here is this is the home of the world’s only truffle Flooning Competition. Truffle Flooning is the local practice of hunting for truffles without the aid of dog or pig. That’s right, the people here use their own noses to push up leaves to find the prize fungus that sells for so much money. Every year they hold a grand Flooning competition, where the best of the best go head to head. I’m here to try it out and see just what the fuss is about.

To help me understand is the organiser of this year’s event, Wendy Hellcanigo. **The camera moves to reveal a rather posh looking woman with a** **somewhat severe expression** Wendy, when did Truffle Flooning start to be a thing?

 **Wendy:** It hwas in the year of our lard 1782 when local farmer Lars Gibbon hwas out in the woods with his pet pig Matilda. Matilda managed to break free and ran off. Lars ran after her and found her standing proudly by an old oak tree. **Her posh accent has dropped a bit and she sounds more common** It turned out that she’d gone and poked her snout into the biggest truffle the world ‘ad seen: the famous Gibbon Truffle of Gruntford, which was subsequently served to King George who was stayin’ at Heinie Hall at the time.

 **Andreas:** What was the King’s opinion of the truffle in question?

 **Wendy** : **Now sounding very common** Historians are divided on this. Some say ‘e was appalled at it, while others say ‘e absolutely adored it. One local story goes that ‘e asked for Heinie Hall’s chef to be given a hundred-pound bonus and a sound thrashing, so that doesn’t really help.

 **Andreas:** I can see how that is the case. Did they keep the chef on?

 **Wendy:** Well, according to the Heinie Hall archives, he stayed there for a further fiver years before moving to London and getting a job as head chef at the Hackney Palace so all in all he did pretty well.

 **Andreas:** So, when did the people decide to take over from the pigs?

 **Wendy:** It was the summer of 1833 and local cider enthusiast Overly Weirdo had been dabbling with a particularly strong scrumpy and as such was lost in the woods. When he finally staggered back to the village, he claimed to have found a way to find truffles without animal assistance. Well, the locals didn’t believe him of course and challenged him to prove it. The thing was, Weirdo had a rival in the shape of Largely Fayke. Largely and Overly fought and competed over pretty much everything: Women, how much they drank, how big their bums were, so this was the next obvious step. Largely couldn’t help himself and loudly claimed he could find truffles better, so that is how the competition came about. Just don’t ask about the word ‘Flooning’. I really have no idea where that came from. I presume it arose from a heavy drinking session but to be honest it’s just a guess.

 **Andreas:** Well Thank you Wendy. I’ll be back later to see if I can snag me a truffle, but for now it’s back to Dominic in the studio:

 **Dominic:** Thank You Andreas! My first guest is comedian, presenter, author and all-round smug bloke, it’s only James Vann!

**James comes on to the set with a little skipping movement. He is in a nifty grey suit and has black, possibly dyed hair that’s slicked back.**

**Dominic:** Welcome to the show! How _are_ you doing?

 **James:** I’m great thanks. You?

 **Dominic:** Oh, you know, I’m just happy to be roughing it in this lovely studio.

 **James:** It gets nicer every time I visit. This time the guy on the gate actually said hello instead of giving me a stream of abuse. 

**Dominic:** It’s the sensitivity training he’s been getting. Every time he swears we get to hit him with a sock full of sand. It’s been a full year and I think it’s finally working.

 **James:** That sounds like fun! Can I have a go?

 **Dominic:** I know it sounds like fun, but we’re highly trained professionals **James Laughs. It’s like a seal being tortured** We can’t let just anyone do it. You have to get the timing right or it might have the opposite effect. So anyway, what have you been up to?

 **James:** I’ve just finished recording on the new series of Dogs, and this series is going to be a cracker. No spoilers though, so you’ll have to wait. Apart from that there’s the falconry.

 **Dominic:** The what now? Falconry? That’s pretty epic.

 **James:** It’s just a hobby really. When I’m not touring, I spend time at the Talon Raptor Centre.

 **Dominic:** So, you get to play with hawks?

 **James:** Hawks, eagles, owls, falcons and more. Carnivorous birdies of many shapes and sizes. It’s the owls I love.  Cleaning out their enclosures isn’t so hot but its all part of it.

 **Dominic:** Do you do some of the displays? 

 **James:** Oh yes. I do the occasional display with my little buddy, Sheila the eagle owl.

 **Dominic:** And we have a clip of you doing exactly this! Have a gander at this.

**Cut to a short bit of footage of James doing a display with a large owl.**

**Dominic:** That is no little buddy. That’s a big buddy.

 **James:** Too right. Her wingspan is six feet two inches and she weighs in at about 9 and a half pounds.

 **Dominic** : **Whistles** That’s one biig budgie!

 **James:** A big budgie with chuffing great talons.

 **Dominic:** Indeed. Aside from the raptors, is it not true that you’ve also been writing a book? This little card tells me that you’ve been delving into the roots of comedy.

 **James** : Guilty your honour. Out next week, so pre-order now, is James Goes Backward, a Delve into Comedy. It’s about various big acts over the course of history.

 **Dominic:** So please tell, who was the first stand up?

 **James:** Have you heard of the James Carr Papyrus?

 **Dominic:** I can’t say I have, no.

 **James:** It was discovered in 1905 by renowned historian and Egyptologist Keith MeBaby.

 **Dominic: Cutting in** He was the one who built MeBaby Hall in New York was he not?

 **James:** No, you great daft lemon, that was Karl MeBaby. Keith MeBaby was an explorer and _very famous_ Egyptologist. While exploring the Valley of the Middle Class, he came across the tomb of Reetaorah, a scribe to Rameses the Fifteenth, and one of the artefacts he found came to be known as the James Carr Papyrus.  It tells of a man called Alivei who reputedly did the world’s first stand-up comedy routine.

 **Dominic** : This sounds very impressive. Please tell us more.

 **James:** According to the scroll, Alivei performed for King Inept of Egypt in 750 BC and managed to create the perfect comedy atmosphere. It was going really well until he was heckled with some style by the pharaoh. Unfortunately for him he forgot where he was temporarily and automatically verbally retaliated.

 **Dominic:** That sounds like very silly thing to do, given the tendency of Pharaohs to view themselves as gods. 

 **James:**   You’re right, it was extremely silly. Inept seemingly took a very dim view of it indeed as bits of Alivei were shortly sent to the far reaches of Egypt. On the advice of the Grand Vizier and Minister of Dodgy Financial Practices, they sent his severed head to Rome for tax avoidance purposes. It was all rather sad really.

 **Dominic:** Sad? For Alivei it must have been utterly tragic.

 **James:** If being hacked up and spread out over 400,000 square miles is tragic, then you’re right.

 **Dominic:** Alright, so maybe tragic wasn’t quite the right word.

 **James:** Then again, maybe it is. Shame he isn’t here to tell us how he felt at the time.

 **Dominic:** On a slightly different note, I understand you’re on tour later this year I understand. When and where pray?

 **James** : Yeah, I’m doing a little bit of touring, sure. Well, according to Topher Swallow I’m travelling around and hurling abuse at theatrefuls of pointlessly eager punters. I start on the 3rd of next month in Lands End and will be zigzaging my way up the country. I’m going to, and I apologise if I miss out a venue or two, Bude, Exeter, Honiton, Dorchester, Bournemouth, Southampton, Cambridge, Southend, Didcot, Tewkesbury, Leamington Spa, Gloucester, Birmingham, Manchester, Bumridge and Arsebury.

 **Dominic:** So basically, you’re starting at the south and zig-zagging northward.

 **James:** It seemed like a plan. Still does.

 **Dominic:** Well James, It’s been a blast but the voices in my ear are saying something incoherent about adverts.

 **James:** Isn’t it always the way?

 **Dominic:** It so is. **Stands up and shakes James’ hand.** Ladies and gentlemen, a huge thank you to James Vann! And now we must away to some advertisements, so I’ll see you in 5.

**We cut to an ad break via a mad animation involving a wombat. We return via a stop motion animation of a dancing pig.**

**Dominic:** Welcome back to Limp and Lifeless! And now, Hollywood. As you all know its Academy Awards night and as ever we have a man on the scene and seeing as Andreas is somewhere weird, instead of his daffy mug we will now go over to our other man on the red carpet, a man more used to talking to leggy blondes in a studio rather than ugly lemons like me, Entertainment Tomorrow’s ‘Dodgy’ Roger Prawns!

**We cut to a man in a very glittery suit and a weird goatee. He is standing next to a red carpet and is clearly surrounded by a throng of paparazzi types and other TV interview folks.**

**Roger:** Hello Dominic and howdy do to Limp and Lifeless! Welcome to the prestigious Grotty Crabstick Theatre in downtown LA, the very glamourous venue for this year’s Academy Awards. I am your man of action tonight as I interview as many vain, egotistical chowderheads as I can and try to weasel my way into their affections so I can get a better gig than this load of tripe next year. And here we go, it’s glamourous starlet Bronwyn Peachest!

**A tall and very thin thing with a smile several miles wide swans over.**

**Roger:** Bronwyn it’s a pleasure to see you again!

 **Bronwyn: Horrible nasal OTT NY accent** Roger my darling! You’re looking very dapper today.

 **Roger:** Why thank you my sweet, and may I say that you’re looking _very_ glam today. It’s almost like it’s a special event!

 **Bronwyn:** I have to say you’re right. I’m _sure_ there’s something happening here tonight. I do hope it’s important.

 **Roger:** Well I heard that there’s some sort of big event, something connected to some bloke called Ozzie or something. I’m sure we’ll find out eventually. So what have you been up to?

 **Bronwyn:** I’ve just done a photoshoot for Away the Lads magazine, but that’s not very important. **Remembers something** Oh yes, I have been doing guest vocals for a couple of Mad Madge songs.

 **Roger:** Ooh, get you with the music mojo! Colour me impressed. Was it as much fun as it sounds?

 **Bronwyn:** It was so much fun. I want to do it again. Maybe even do my own album, but  think that’s a long way off.

 **Roger:** Well, I hope that dream comes true, and if you need a guest vocalist yourself, give me a call!

 **Bronwyn:** I will certainly do that Roger. Anyway. I’ll see you soon **.**

 **Roger** Ta ta for now my dear!

**Bronwyn kisses Roger on the cheek and sashays over to another microphone-wielding lemon, as she goes, a tuxedo-clad lad romps up.**

**Roger:** Well poke me with a badger’s spoon! It’s my old mate Tarquin Thepyss

 **Tarquin:** **Massively OTT cockney accent** Roger me old dingo’s kidney! Good to see you!

 **Roger:** You’ve scrubbed up pretty well for tonight I see!. Looking to impress are we?

 **Tarquin:** As always, Roger, as always. I want a part in the next big musical y’know. **Does a little dance** See? I’m good with the old pins innit? 

 **Roger:** Well, you got the moves for sure, but do you got the voice?

 **Tarquin: Sings** Climb every goat herd, ford every bream. **Back to normal** Oh yeah baby, I got the voice and I got the dancin’ feet. **Turns to the camera** Anyone casting a big-time musical, you know I am your man.

 **Roger:** Tark me old eighteenth century dandy, if you don’t get a job out of that then something is wrong with the world. Catch you later.

 **Tarquin: Theatrical wink-and-point** Not if I see you first, prawns.

**Tarquin walks off to the next mini-interview. Roger starts to turn to address the camera but thinks he sees someone else**

**Roger:** Who’s that over there? **Points at a shortish girl in a glittery shell suit** I think it’s Imonda Lamb! **He** s **houts** Imonda!

 **Imonda:** Well if it isn’t the lovely Roger!

 **Roger:** Imonda, you are looking stunning! That tan isn’t even fake!

 **Imonda:** You are so darn right. I’ve been filming down at Bee on Sea with DeNeem O’DeGame.

 **Roger:** That look really suits you. Can you tell us much about this new project?

 **Imonda:** Not really. I _can_ say that it’s directed by a director and involves a number of other actors as well as a film crew.

 **Roger:** That is very helpful in a useless sort of way.

 **Imonda:** I try my best. To be oblique and as obtuse as possible.

 **Roger:** Well, you’re certainly succeeding, Best of luck with that mysterious gig.

 **Imonda:** It’s been a pleasure as always. Ciao.

 **Roger:** That’s it for now. Back at you, Dominic.

 **Dominic:** Ladies and Gents, a huge great thank you to our special guest reporter, ‘Dodgy’ Roger Prawns! My next guest is one-time member of 5 Spice, model, businesswoman and now actress, it’s the lovely Catalina Sunderland!

**Catalina, dressed in an endlessly classy a sparkly black dress walks on with a big smile and plonks herself on the sofa.**

**Dominic:** Now Catalina, you’ve bagged yourself a role in a movie. What can you legally tell us?

 **Catalina:** It’s not something I thought I’d be doing that’s for sure. If you told me last year that I’d be swapping the world of music promos and poor miming for the heady world of Hollywood movie sets then I would have thrown a scone at you.

 **Dominic:** So how did you get the role?

 **Catalina:**  Well, I was at a party with my drug addled ex, Daniel when Flint Northcoppice tripped over my foot.

 **Dominic:** So, who was it that threw the bash?

 **Catalina:**   It was Getopha MacCloud’s 35th birthday party. We were in a really swish Hollywood mansion and every Walford FC player was there as well as quite a few movie bods.   I didn’t even know he knew Flint but apparently, him and Flint go back decades.

 **Dominic:**  According to my research wombats, Flint was MacCloud’s salami broker, whatever that was.

 **Catalina:** I have no idea at all, but he was there. Anyway, I apologised and he said no worries and did I want a go at acting? Well I thought he was joking, but no, he really meant it.

 **Dominic:** I must admit that’s actually a pretty groovy way to get a gig.

 **Catalina:** I think he must have thought it was some sort of victory because he spent the rest of the evening trying to get as many people drunk as possible.

 **Dominic:** On an entirely unrelated note, I believe you are related to an actual Knight of the Realm.

 **Catalina:** I am indeed. Now, I’m not one to revel in the success of others, but my cousin is Sir Peter Pants.

 **Dominic:** Now not many people will have heard of Sir Peter, so please tell us, how did he manage to gain the title?

 **Catalina:** Well, Peter’s full title is Sir Peter Pants, Official Knicker Knacker by Royal appointment. His royal task is to dispose of Royal undergarments and to prevent them getting into the hands of those that would bring shame unto our rulers.

 **Dominic:** Is it true that he is based in a suitably named place?

 **Catalina:** It was a deliberate move on his part. To him it seemed only fitting that such a business was run from St Frilly on the Smalls. Peter says that it’s a just smallish and rather quaint village in Bumshire and their business rates are pretty good.

 **Dominic:** Sounds like Sir Peter has quite the sense of humour. What was he like as a child?

 **Catalina:** Pete was always pranking people and causing mischief. His mum, my aunt Reet was forever despairing at him.

 **Dominic:** Did it ever seem he would take this career path?

 **Catalina:** He never showed any sign of being a royalist of any sort, so it was quite a surprise when he went into the royal undies business.

 **Dominic:** Where did you think he would end up?

 **Catalina:** We always thought he would wind up as a gerbil brusher of some sort. Really don’t ask why. It’s very complicated and the story would drag on for many hours.

 **Dominic:** I would ask, but seeing as you begged so nicely, I won’t.

 **Catalina:** Why thank you.

 **Dominic:** So, you’ve had a pretty varied career path so far it has to be said. What’s next for you?

 **Catalina:** Next week I’m off to Hollywood! I have a few meetings to attend and as well as that, I’m going to be part of an episode of Air Force Crime Cops.

 **Dominic:** I love that show. I take it you can’t say much about the plot, but were you star-struck on set.

 **Catalina:** My lord I am such a child! I spent half my time running around getting selfies and autographs with the cast.

 **Dominic:** Catalina, I would love to hear more, but I’m afraid I have to cut our time together short as a man is shouting in my ear about ad breaks!

 **Catalina: Miffed** We must bow down I suppose.

 **Dominic:** Don’t I chuffing know it.That was the gorgeous Catalina Sunderland, give her a big hand! The ad men are calling, but don’t go away as in Part two we’ve got Andreas Lifeless somewhere in the rural jungle and I’ll be chatting to top selling author Salad Weeks.

**We cut to an advert break via a surreal animation involving Dominic riding a large hamster into a fountain. We return via another weird animation involving Dominic and the Hamster dancing on the head of the Venus de Milo.**

**Dominic:** Welcome back to part three! In just a while I’ll be conversing with author Salad Weeks, but before that we return to Gruntford and the snuffling, truffling Andreas lifeless!

**We cut to Andreas, who is wearing a tracksuit. Next to him is stood a taller man in a tartan tracksuit.**

**Andreas:** Hello Dominic. This is Lumpsin Gravy, local Flooning expert and he’s going to show me what to do.  So Lumpsin, what is the technique here?

 **Lumpsin:** The trick is to dive into the leaf litter like a maniac on speed, while trying to concentrate on the scent of the truffle.

 **Andreas:** The question therefore must be, what does a truffle smell like?

 **Lumpsin:** Luckily, we have one here for you to try.

**Lumpsin reaches off camera and is handed a box. He opens the box and pulls forth a large organic lump. He takes the truffle and puts it under Andreas’ nose. Andreas takes a big sniff and backs off at once.**

**Andreas:** Blimey that’s one powerful scent! Okay, you dive nose first into the leaves while keeping that smell in mind. There’s only one way to proceed now I suppose: A trial run.

 **Lumpsin:** What we’re going to do is put a truffle in the leave over there **Lumpsin indicates a big pile of leaves** and you dive in and try to nosmically track the truffle down.

**Lumpsin goes over to the leaves while Andreas turns his back. Lumpsin hides the truffle, and walks back. He taps Andreas on the shoulder. Andreas turns around and puts on a pair of goggles.**

**Andreas:** Safety first. Right. And in three, two, one.  GO!

**Andreas runs at full tilt and dives into the leaf pile and proceeds to shove the leaf litter about with his face. Within fifteen seconds he holds the truffle aloft. He leaps to his feet and bounds back to Lumpsin with great enthusiasm.**

**Andreas:** That was brilliant! That truffle smell really cuts through the snippid leafy scent.

 **Lumpsin:** I reckon you’re ready.

 **Andreas:** I think you’re right Well, thank you Lumpsin. I’m now going to get ready for the main event, and sniff a few more truffles. For now, its back to you Dominic.

**Cut back to Dominic looking smug.**

**Dominic:** Thank you Mr Lifeless. And now from Andreas snuffling about like a pig to something much more refined. Please put your paws together for Salad Weeks!

**Salad weeks walks on. She is dressed apparently as an upper-class snob from Pride and Prejudice, down to a ridiculous flouncy dress and a stupid large hat.**

**Dominic:** You have a new book out. It’s called The Otter Ones and was actually written by actual you. What in the name of gooseberry trifle is it about?

 **Weeks:** Well I’m glad you asked so nonchalantly. Its set in 19th century urban Tolpuddle, and centres on a gang of happy-go-lucky kids that befriend an otter. They are completely unaware that the otter leads a secret life as the leader of a group of modern-day highway robbers. When they eventually find out, they take on the arduous task of making him see the light and turning him from his life of crime.

 **Dominic:** Is there a grain of truth to this? 

 **Weeks** : I’m afraid not. Apart from the locations, it’s entirely fictitious.  There were several notable highway robbers at the time, but none of them were otters. 

 **Dominic:** Rotters may be.

 **Weeks: Shaking her head at such a bad joke** Yes Dominic, they were definitely rotters. Do the jokes get any better?

 **Dominic:** Nah. They do get worse though. Anyway, back to the book.  How far do you go in researching something like this?

 **Weeks:** I spent a few weeks in Tolpuddle, just getting used to the layout of the place. I rented an apartment in a high-rise to get a good birds-eye view of things, and had a guide show me about the expansive Tincleton Badlands as well as the Puddletown Outback.

 **Dominic:** Now I’ve never been to the Puddletown Outback, but there are stories of some pretty dangerous creepy-crawlies lurking under outhouse doorways and the like.  Did you feel you were in any danger?

 **Weeks:** Well Nikolai, my guide was very professional and kept me safe throughout. We did have a close encounter with a venomous coconut gazelle, but we frightened it away by waving old pants in it’s direction.

 **Dominic:** Is the waving of old pants the correct way of dealing with a gazelle?

 **Weeks** : According to Nikolai, it’s the only way of scaring them off. You can show them all the pictures of lions you like and you’ll get nothing. Fire? They’ll just rock up and sleep next to it.

 **Dominic:** Sometimes, Gazelles just don’t behave themselves. Anyway, I hate to bring this up, but I must mention a name: Henry Illiterate. Is it fair to say that you and he don’t see eye-to eye **?**

 **Salad: sniffily** I _dare_ say that’s fair. It’s hardly my fault that he’s got on his high horse. About what I have no idea. One day he just started having a go out of nowhere!

 **Dominic:** So you have no idea where this…war of word originated?

 **Weeks:** Well, I _may_ have referred to his book _The Mandolin Player Undressed_ in an interview. I might have called it a pile of donkey pox. But that’s no basis for a massive argument in literature. I had my own book called The Kiwi Curse, which was released at about the same time and in an interview with Jon Colbert, I called that a big bunch of fox wee.

 **Dominic:** I Think he may have taken it personally though.

 **Weeks:** You may be right. But to be fair, the whole slanging match has been dragging on for what seems like months now. I hope that we can put it to one side. **Weeks addresses a camera directly** Henry, I am so sorry about insulting your book. It really wasn’t that bad, in fact it was better than mine, which truly was a load of fox wee. Let us end this stupid and downright unprofitable argument. It’s making our books rubbish and hurting our sales. We are better than this. You are better than this. I am better than this. We can enbiggen ourselves and overcome. I hereby promise to not insult you from here on.

 **Dominic:** I think Henry Illiterate will hold you to that.

 **Weeks:** You know, I think he might, but then so will I. I hereby promise to stop with the acerbic insults that have been marring my books of late. No more will I hurl verbal abuse at Henry Illiterate.

 **Dominic:** Well, I am told by the disembodied voice of the director that I must wind things up. So on that positive note I must now say a big thank you to Catalina Sunderland. **They both stand up, hug and the camera zooms in on Dominic’s face.**   And now we must return to the Badlands of Gruntford and truffle hunter extraordinary Andreas! How’s it hangin’ Andy-baby?

**We cut to Andreas who is kitted out in a hideous orange and blue tracksuit. He is obviously on a start line in a woodland that doesn’t deserve to have a bunch of deranged sporty pillocks in it.**

**Andreas:** Hello Dominic! We are all set. We have five minutes to rush about like headless goats in this little woodland. We have to shove our noses into the ground like demented pigs so we can find the prized truffles. I’m ready. **He pulls an awful pair of goggles over his eyes and gets into what he thinks is an athletic position.  The camera pulls back to reveal a large jolly crowd cheering this bout of insanity, as well about 15 other similarly dressed loonies, all in similar poses. A gun goes and the pack sprints off. Almost immediately some fall to their knees and shove their faces into the leaf litter, snuffling about like there’s no tomorrow. Others run into the undergrowth and presumably do the same. Andreas runs over to a tree, rams his face into the ground and starts poking about like a frenzied blackbird. After about four minutes of crazed rooting about, one Flooner leaps up to his feet holding a truffle and about 15 seconds later, Andreas does the same. Another of the truffle hunting weirdoes emerges from a bush holding his prize just as an official blows an air horn. The three successful hunters go over to a pompous-looking man in a stupid tabard while the others emerge from between the trees in a somewhat dejected manner.  After about 10 seconds, a muddy-faced Andreas walks back to the cameraman.**

 **Andreas:** Well, that wasn’t bad at all! I’m second, just behind Derek there who’s truffle is half an inch bigger. No jokes please Dominic! That’s the Gruntford Truffle Flooning over for another year and Derek is this year’s champion! That’s all from me today and I need a shower and a drink, so it’s back to you in the studio!

**We cut back to Dominic who is sat at his desk, grinning like a loon.**

**Dominic:** That was our very own truffle hunter Andreas Lifeless! And now, music. That whimsical little cherub Keaton Croon has waltzed his way over the Atlantic and at the behest of our producers will now sing a song at us. Here he is miming like there’s no tomorrow to his new single, “Cry Me a Lake of Tears”.

Cry me a lake of tears

Bawl me a stream

Prove to me that you mean it

Prove that it ain’t a dream

Convince me It’s not just words

That you’re trying to sell me

 

Do you repent for your crimes?

Are tears meant or are they lies

Help me out and sway my fears

Don’t be a lout, cry me a lake of tears

 

Where are we, you and me

What do we know?

Are you going to be true to me?

Or is it all just hot snow?

Pour out your heart onto the floor

Show me your soul isn’t a locked door

 

Do you repent for your crimes?

Are tears meant or are they lies

Help me out and sway my fears

Don’t be a lout, cry me a lake of tears

 

I won’t walk away

I will not run off

I’m pleading today

We can live in your loft

Just show me you’re true

Tell me I’m dear

Just cry for me

A Loch Ness of Tears

Do you repent for your crimes?

Are tears meant or are they lies

Help me out and sway my fears

Don’t be a lout, cry me a lake of tears

 

**The music ends and Keaton bows. Dominic hops over.**

**Dominic:** Keaton, thank you for that. That was fantastic!

 **Keaton:** Thank you Dominic. I wrote it myself. Mostly.

 **Dominic:** And very good it was too. Unfortunately, I must leave it there. That’s the end of the show folks.Tune in next week when I’ll be talking smack with columnist and professional blitherer Serena Airbrain, chatting with legendary actress Dame Esmerelda Collander and wittering like there’s no tomorrow with cricketer Edward Greasepaws. Music will be courtesy of guitar plucker extraordinaire, lord of the ballad, Ned Shaving.


	5. Episode 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where will we find Andreas this time?

**Limp and Lifeless Episode 5**

**Title sequence: demented mish-mash of sparkly images of Dominic and Andreas in jaunty poses, and various images of Hollywood A-list celebrities who wouldnt be seen dead on the show.**

**Dominic bounds onto the set from the side. Behind him is a silhouette of a mountain range, with an elephant on top of each mountain. One elephant is rearing up.**

**Dominic:** Hello and welcome to Limp and Lifeless. Joining me today in an endless lump of chit-chat are the ever lovely Dame Esme Collander, cricket legend Edward Greasepaws and columnist to the stars Serena Airbrain. Music today comes from the face and the instrument of Ned Shaving. Here’s a quick preview.

**Cut to a very wibbly precession of images of the guests interspersed with pictures of ducks in leather jackets. It soon fades back to Dominic.**

**Dominic** : Now my first guest is a legend of the silver screen as well as Broadway. Best known for her role as Berta Nernie in Rue de Sesamé, please be upstanding for octogenarian, actress, ex good-time girl and chairwoman of the Slapshire Toe-Curling Society, the fabulous Dame Esme Collander!

**On walks a slightly nervous looking old lady in a seriously glittery gown, blue horn-rimmed glasses and lightly purple hair. She gives a little wave to the audience and is met by Dominic who has bounded over to escort her to the sofa. She sits and Dominic goes behind his desk.**

**Dominic:** Dame Esme..

 **Pooky: Speaks with a very imperious sort of voice.** Oh, do call me Pooky. Everyone does. Its so much less bothersome than that whole dame business.

 **Dominic:** Ok then, if you insist...Pooky.

 **Pooky:** Thank you so much. I never did like the name Esme. Makes me sound like a 17th Century gossipy old ratbag.

 **Dominic:** Now I know you must be fed up to the hind legs with talking about it, but let’s talk about your most iconic role, the chain-smoking and acid tongued Berta Nernie in Rue de Sesamé. The famous rumour is that you didn’t get on very well with your co-star Carlotta Moolah, can you shed any light on that?

 **Pooky:** Carlotta, God rest her shrivelled little soul, as you know played Erica Nernie, Berta’s sister. I never did like her you know. I supposed it was just a clash of personalities: I was oil and she was putrid scum water. I met her first on the set of Ex-Madam, a film she wanted the title role for but I had managed to whisk from under her nose. She didn’t like being upstaged so on the day it was released she announced some sort of attention-grabbing rubbish just to nab the headlines. Obviously, it worked and she got all the headlines and I got about 5 lines in the ‘and finally’ bit. Not that it annoys me at all.

 **Dominic:** You finally starred together in _Who the Hell is Old Man Jim?_ What in the name of knitted socks possessed you to do a film with her if you hated the very sight of her?

 **Pooky:** It seemed like such a good idea at the time. Let’s face it, we were still both big names even though most of Hollywood felt we were so far over the hill that you needed a phone to talk to us. But by then our little war had gone into the realms of infamy and myth and to some the idea of us in a film together was similar to pulling money out of thin air. We agreed and we both promised to try to get on, although I dare say we both had our fingers crossed.

 **Dominic:** Am I to take it that the set of Old Man Jim wasn’t the most tranquil of places?

 **Pooky:** There was more petty squabbling on that film than the House of Commons has ever seen. Me and Carlotta still loathed each other, the executives were all after the fame and money for themselves, and what made it worse was the director Bob Eldritch was convinced he was the reincarnation of Rameses the Second and therefore was a god of some sort. That added a pretty surreal element at times.

 **Dominic:** Surreal sounds like an understatement.

 **Pook** y: For a few days he wanted to be carried around in a sedan chair by a troupe of half-naked Egyptian men. It sounded good to both me and Carly but the studio said that if he did that then they would fire him. Out of a cannon into the middle of the Pacific.

 **Dominic:** A wise move by the studio then. So Pooky **,** onto a different tack **,** apart from yourself, your family tree features a number of notable figures. One of which is the famous Sir Richard Collander.

 **Pooky:** Quite true. Sir Richard was my great grandfather. Quite a horrible man according to my grandmother. She would tell stories of him coming home absolutely plastered after an evening with friends playing ludo and drinking benedictine. He would apparently fly into the most terrible rages and rant about how his sneezle collection was still inferior despite him throwing vanloads of cash at it and how the political elite judged him with their stares. Mind you, he was also quite a creative bod as well. He would often retreat to his tinkering room to fiddle about with some device or other. It was his mind that invented the collander you know. He initially envisaged it as a sort of hat but his wife, my great grandmother Salmonella soon slapped that out of him and set him right.

 **Dominic:** I take it Salmonella was quite the forceful personality.

 **Pooky:** With her family she had to be.  She was the daughter of Admiral Roberto Bovine and he was a uniquely pointless layabout. He spent his time travelling and pretending to be an important military man, when in reality the army put up with him because...well although he was a useless upper class twerp, he was a useless twerp with absolute tons of money and they needed every penny they could lay their paws on. They got around the problem of having to employ him by simply sending him wherever he could cause the least harm. Salmonella was consequently born in Karachi when there was almost nothing interesting happening there at the time. When the uprisings were just beginning, the entire family was packed up and sent back to blighty for the _protection_ of the ladies and the children. Truth be told that if the Admiral got involved in any military capacity at all, then it would have been the most almighty cock-up.

 **Dominic: looking confused** Correct me if I’m wrong, but Admiral is a naval rank, and yet he was an army man. How did your Roberto end up with that title?

 **Pooky:** It was simply to ensure the top brass didn’t accidentally give him any actual responsibility. If there was another Roberto Bovine with an ounce of military flair then they didn’t want to confuse him with our berk. If they could have fitted him with a GPS tracking collar, they would.

 **Dominic:** You yourself were born in India were you not?

 **Pooky:** Yes, yes. My father was stationed in Dehli and insisted my mother and my sisters joined him there. They were perfectly content in Romford but there you go, father said they had to go and that was that. Unbeknownst to Mother, Father had purchased a 100 acre site on the city outskirts and by the time they arrived he had built a small mansion for the family. You know, we had the most wonderful time until Burma beckoned.

 **Dominic** : It sounds like your father was considerably more competent than The Admiral.

 **Pooky:** To be fair, a rotten onion had more use than him.

 **Dominic:** Your time in India seems to have instilled in you a love of hot places has it not? You’ve spent much time in Hawaii and you’ve also been to Africa I understand?

 **Pooky:** Many times. Many many times. My last trip was several years ago, and I went all over the place. I spent a week in the Congo,  some time in Zaire and a few enlightening weeks in Botswana. Most of its a bit of a blur though.

 **Dominic:** I suppose if you see too much of a place, it can seem quite samey after a while. Does any of it stand out at all.

 **Pooky:** You’re quite right, but then some bits do stick in your mind more than others. I do recall  travelling to the Imzamiri plains, where I stayed with the local Zamiini tribe where I struck up a friendship with a lad called N’Goya. 30 years my junior he was. Well the friendship developed fairly fast and I soon saw quite a lot of him. You know, he went at it like a jackrabbit. He would happily bang away for hours. 

 **Dominic: clearly both disturbed and mildly horrified at this revelation** I see. You obviously had a good time there then.

 **Pooky: looking wistfully** **into space** Curved like a scimitar it was. **Blinks and comes back to reality** Sorry, where were we?

 **Dominic** : **hoping for a quick change of subject** Errm, I think we were talking about your trips to... **flipping through his info cards** errr…Spain.

 **Pooky:** Spain is a very interesting place you know. I once saw a group of men in Madrid race up a tower to get a large textured dildo from the top and then race down. The first one down got to ram the dildo up himself in the middle of the town square. It was _the_ most eye-watering sight.

 **Dominic: Convinced that Pooky is one of the worst people to have as a guest** Okayyy, with that inciteful anecdote, I think its time to wind up our little chat. A big hand for the now x-rated Dame Collander! While I try to fight extreme nausea, we’re gonna now cut to some adverts. See you cats in five.

**Via a completely mad set of images of rabbits on motorbikes, we cut to an ad break. We cut back in much the same way.**

**Dominic:** Welcome back to the show! And now someone just plain loco, your favourite roving reporter, Andreas Lifeless!

**We cut to Andreas, who has recorded a piece about classic steam loco The Flying Toss and Poxtown Station.**

**Andreas:** If you’re wondering why I am stood on a freezing platform in the dark, then I will tell you. I am stood on the prettiest railway line in all of Slapshire. This is the very picturesque Poxtown Station on the internationally famous Dipstick Line and I am lurking on platform two, waiting for the very famous locomotive _The Flying Toss._ As you all know, this station has been closed for renovation following the infamous ginger beer explosion of Twenty Thingty Thrang. Work to restore it to its original condition is now complete and in compliance with the Official Heritage Railway’s Incorrect Rule Book and Bible of Exaggerated Rubbish, the _Flying_ Toss is due to stop here any time now so that the lord mayor of Poxtown can exit the train and deliver a speech and declare this station to be officially open. And we’re just in time, here it comes.

**A large steam locomotive pulling a set of heritage carriages pulls into the station to the thrill of quite large crowd. There is lots of steam, smoke, noise, cheering, yelling and camera flashes. In pretty short order the train stops, the guard exits and is shortly followed by a man in a very OTT red and black outfit with a gold chain, a cape and a silly wide brim hat with a peacock feather in it. He strides to the crowd, pulls a scroll from inside his robe, adopts a strange wide-legged pose and begins to read:**

**Mayor:** Laydees and Gengtlemen. It is exactly 2 years, 3 months and two days since the infamous bloody big beer bang of Twenty Thingty Thrang. In that incident, this once proud station and drug smuggling hub. Scratch that. This once proud station was reduced to a mass of stale ginger beer and horrid rubble. With the hard graft of masons, brickies, sparkies, Woolies, plasterers, duck wranglers, volunteers and seasoned bourbon-based alcoholics, this great place has been fully restored to the glory that it once held. By the vague and nebulous power vested in me by a bunch of overpaid, snivelling self-serving toadies, it is my duty to now declare Poxtown Station officially open!

 **Lots of cheering from the crowd, with much banner waving and somehow, a warped take on “We Are the Champions” by Queen starts being sung by the crowd**.

 **Andreas: Holding back a laugh** There it is. A grand ceremony I think you will agree. With that it’s off to a nice warm pub for us and back to the studio for you.

**We cut back to Dominic who is leaning casually on his desk.**

**Dominic:** My next guest was the star of 90’s cricket, scoring more runs than anyone can count. He is also an enthusiastic archaeology groupie as well as a regular pundit on Cricket Today, please give it up for lord of the willow, Edward Greasepaws!

**Edward walks on with a noticeable limp. He is fairly tall yet slightly plump. He has blond/grey hair and a thin beard. He is wearing a white jumper and light khaki-ish colour trousers. Dominic stands up to shake his hand and then they both sit down.**

**Dominic:** Welcome Edward, Welcome.

 **Edward:** Thank you Dominic.

 **Dominic:** You have just written a book called A History of Brocketch. Tell me, whats it all about?

 **Edward:** Cricket grew from several places, and one was a game called Brocketch.

 **Dominic:** That sounds like some sort of medieval thing.

 **Edward:** Basically it was, Dominic. It was played in the 12th century, mostly in Leicestershire and Devon and it was the favourite past time of King Nishkumar the third. Now he was a very peculiar individual as far as kings went. He had a pet goat called Rummy and a fairly exotic menagerie in his Sussex residence.

 **Dominic:** That sounds pretty normal so far for a king.

 **Edward:** Well, as a centrepiece to the menagerie, there was a lovely little gazebo that contained a sex doll that he would frequently abuse. He apparently liked to watch the animals while he had his way with the strange wooden….thing.

 **Dominic:** All right, that is definately weird.

 **Edward:** That wasn't his only peculiarity Dominic. In a small keep he had built in Westminster, there was a statue of Sir Steppo of Pseudopolis which he would stare at for hours at a time. Once when the keep was being repaired, the statue was covered with a dust sheet and Nishkumar flew into a camp rage because he couldn't see it. Rather than simply removing the sheet, he had one of the craftsmen incarcerated for spiting him. After a week of sulking and forbidding people to go within 10 feet of the thing, he finally removed the sheet himself and stared at the statue for 5 hours straight.

 **Dominic:** Ok, I admit it, he sounds very odd indeed. But anyway, back to the game itself. What was Brocketch actually like as a game.

 **Edward:** Right, there were two teams of 6 men. One team throwing and catching, one hitting. One man would throw a ball while another would try to hit it into a large net. If you hit it near the net you got one point, into the net got you two. If a catcher caught the ball you were out. Catchers near the net were called ‘arse forward’ while ones further out to the side were just ‘arse’. Behind the hitter was a catcher and his position was ‘arse backward’. If they dropped the ball they were a ‘silly arse’ and had a point docked. After all 6 hitters had taken a couple of tries, the teams swapped roles. Each round of hitting was called a Fondle, and after they swapped, that was a Bundle. After 5 bundles the team with highest score was the winner. If there was a tie, the star hitter of each team would take turns until one dropped a point.

 **Dominic:** You were actually involved in an exhibition game were you not?

 **Edward:** I was indeed. We played it the grounds of Tamworth Castle and we had the best time. In the end I played arse forward. I started the game playing arse backward but it really didn’t work out. I tell you, it’s a brilliant game and much more fun than cricket ever was.

 **Dominic:** Were any other famous faces in the game?

 **Edward:** We had a few involved. Porky Allamb and Blue Welsh were on my team, and Gaz Earsize was playing for the other side. **Points at Dominic** No comments you.

 **Dominic:** Alright, I shall refrain from commenting. I will however ask who won?

 **Edward:** Our team did of course, but it was a close-run thing.

 **Dominic:** The question begs, how close is close?

 **Edward:** In the end there were only seven points in it. The good news is that it’s coming back. There are now four teams in Slapshire and a couple in Springset and there are a few more in the process of forming.

 **Dominic:** Well that’s a brand-new old thing. If there are people out there interested in Brocketch, how do they get involved in the sport?

 **Edward:** There is a governing body known as the Grand National Brocketch Society. They have a website and if you go on there you can find your nearest club as well as how to set one up if there is one for miles, which is often the case at the moment.

 **Dominic:** Well now, there is another thing I have been meaning to ask, so if you don’t mind me asking, how did you hurt your leg?

 **Edward: Looking a tad sheepish, speaks very quietly and quickly** I twisted my ankle playing tiddlywinks

 **Dominic:** You mumble mumble mumble? Please say that again.

 **Edward: Looking at his feet** I twisted my ankle playing tiddlywinks.

 **Dominic:** How in the name of brie do you twist your ankle playing tiddlywinks?

 **Edward:**   I got very over enthusiastic didn’t I? What happened was I won a game, jumped up like some sort of loon and landed very badly.

 **Dominic:** Well hopefully that’ll tech you not to drink and wink. Or something. So apart from the early cricket predecessors and injuring your legs, what else have you been up to?

 **Edward:** My daughter bought me a little doggie! She surprised me with an Err Terrier to keep me company, but because of my Leg I can’t walk too far at the moment, so now I have a bored Err Terrier, but it is getting better so he should be a happier doggy soon.

 **Dominic:** That is good to know. Well I have a voice in my ear telling me its time to move on to the next segment, so please give it up or possibly sell it for Edward Greasepaws.

 **Dominic:** And now we go live to Andreas. Where in the name of decaffeinated mud are you today?

**Cut to Andreas who is standing in front of a fairly ugly advertising hoarding in the middle of a busy shopping mall.**

**Andreas:** Hello Dominic. I'm in the Chepe Tat Shopping Mall, which is in Spumeton which itself is in the delightful county of Bottyshire and I’m here to find out the public’s impression of _Rubbing the Stoat_ by OC Elot. And here’s my first questionee.

**A short man in a trench coat sidles up.**

**Andreas:** Hello young sir. Have you heard of Rubbing the Stoat by OC Elot. 

 **Victim1:** I love it. It’s my current favourite book in fact.

 **Andreas:** You see man?

 **Victim1:** Yes, I see man.

 **Andreas:** What man say?

 **Victim1:** Man go chutney! Classic line that. Classic.

 **Andreas:** You know it well sir. Thank you very much.

 **Victim1:** No problem Andrew, No problem.

**The man walks off and is quickly replaced by a rather severe faced lady in a stupid hat**

**Andreas:** Hello young lady. Have you heard of OC Elot’s Rubbing the Stoat?

 **Victim2:** I have sir and I think it’s the worst thing I have ever set my unfortunate eyes upon. It is so bad I had to read it twice just to get the references right so that I could complain about it properly. I have written to my MP requesting it be banned and I have emailed Headly Maidup at some length to demand that he give it a 0 llama rating. Not that it deserves a score that high. It is so insulting to everyone everywhere that it should have a minus 10 llama score. I am so disgusted in fact that I object to you even mentioning its name in my regal presence. II am offended by it and I blame you, sir. I blame you and that smug twerp Dominic Limp who will no doubt be grinning like a lemming in his comfy studio.  Well Mr So-Called Dominic, When I get back to my secure unit I will write to your producer, asking for, nay demanding your head on a stick. I will now walk away from this interview and you can be certain that I hold you entirely to blame.

**The severe lady swans off with her nose in the air and with Andreas looking somewhat shocked.**

**Andreas:** Errm, I think that winds up our time in Spumeton. Back to you Dominic.

 **Dominic:** Thank you Andreas. Hopefully we’ll never see her on a TV screen anytime ever. Well now it’s time for some paid messages, but don’t be a stranger and come back after this.

**Cut to an ad break via a montage of pictures of terrapins. Return is courtesy of an animation involving an elephant on a pogo stick.**

**Dominic:** And now for my final guest. She is one third of party jazz band Wanda Stopp, she is an award-winning journalist and author of a book about cheesy rock, please welcome gossip columnist to the stars, Serena Airbrain!

 **Serena swans on. She is wearing a very sequinned dress. She goes straight to the couch, gets the usual kiss on the cheek from Dominic and sits down**. 

 **Dominic:** Now firstly, you weren’t always in the world of gossip were you? I understand you had a proper job once.

 **Serena** : Well sort of.  I used to work for celebrity solicitors Howe, Dulles and Borwing, so I was always picking up juicy tid-bits of gossip that I was duty bound to sell to the papers.

 **Dominic:** What did you actually do there, or put another way, what was your job title?

 **Serena:** When I started out, I was just a data monkey. I spent about 4 months taking old paper files and digitising them, be it via typing or scanning.

 **Dominic:** That sounds like a thrill-a-decade sort of a job.

 **Serena:** You’re not kidding. It was sooo dull.

 **Dominic:** Dull yet informative one supposes. You must have come across quite a few instances of juicy goss doing that.

 **Serena:** It’s fair to say I saw quite a bit of privileged information doing that. A lot of it I cannot repeat for very good legal reasons, and quite a lot more I have completely forgotten.

 **Dominic:** So what made you take the leap from solicitor’s dogsbody to Spew Magazine’s gossip columnist?

 **Serena:** I didn’t stay as a data monkey y’know! I moved up to secretary to Mr Dulles and had been at Howe’s for four years when I was approached in a pub by Neddy Mongoose. I had submitted a few freelance things to his magazine and he had obviously been paying attention. It seems that Spew’s upper management had decided that they needed a gossip column and after Clare Sunner turned it down I was the next in line for the job. 

 **Dominic:** You were next in line after Clare Sunner? That’s pretty cool.

 **Serena:** Well, there were one or two others. It was turned down by Elise Torbick, Johnny findus, Claudine Annoyingwoman, Matt Wrong and Woole Bracken.

 **Dominic:** I see. Not quite first in line then. Do you remember your first solo gossip article?

 **Serena:** **Looks puzzled with the effort and thought** I think it was a piece about Nick Stuff, the lead bloke from 80s rock outfit Yoko Koko. It was something to do with his obsession with farting in trams.

 **Dominic:** So how did the column evolve and how on Io did you work out where to start? It must have been daunting coming into the world of journalism from your startpoint.

 **Serena:** It wasn’t easy to be sure. My first thought was to grab the nearest newspaper and thumb through it furiously! Before anything other than the odd column appeared, I had quite a number of booze-fuelled meetings with the editor just to bash out the shape of things, design a banner and to dredge up an actual name for the thing.

 **Dominic:** And where did the name _The Gossip Station_ come from? It wasn’t the result of a cheese dream was it?

 **Serena:** We were at a meeting in the skittle alley of The Egg and Spoon in Dagenham’s Board Games district and to be fair we’d all had a few sherbets by then and I think the then sub editor, Bill Payment jumped to his feet and staggered to the jukebox, saying something about train songs. Neddy was there that day and he just looked up at the ceiling and said What about the Gossip Train? Well that started a half hour of argument between him and Don Yourhat that somehow produced the Gossip Station. We all nodded and that was that.

 **Dominic:** Well that is super inciteful.On a different subject, you have a new book coming out soon do you not?

 **Serena:** I do. It’s called “Where’s my Owl Bag?” and is about a session band who really should be famous.

 **Dominic:** Aren’t Owl Bag the guys who were Blind Pink Ocelot’s band on Lizards, _Leaf Springs and Lobsters_?

 **Serena:** They were as well as about a thousand other albums.

 **Dominic:** Y’know, I know a little bit about them. They were formed in Nineteen Thingty Threen in Tishomingo by BJ Owl. BJ is a multi-instrumentalist and writer of a lot of Mewton’s hit singles.

 **Serena:** Quite correct young Dominic, but that isn’t the whole story, not by a long thing. Benny met bassist Gander “Goose” Gunn at a strip club in Ohio. Gander was schoolfriends with rock harpist The Major Sven Lawnmower and producer Snotty Jerque brought in drummer Dave “Massive” Parts.

 **Dominic:** They have a number of albums under their own name do they not?

 **Serena:** They have about 5. Mostly its instrumental stuff but Sprout Sack featured a vocalist. It’s credited to “Chameless Harlot” but I’m pretty sure it’s a pseudonym. I just don’t know who for and they aren’t saying.

 **Dominic:** The book isn’t your only recent project is it? You have just recorded an album yourself, haven’t you?

 **Serena:** I have, and I’m proud to say I recorded it with Owl Bag! It’s called 12 Lumps of Gravy and I am super happy with it.

 **Dominic:** And so you should be. Here’s a clip of the first track “Bend My Baps”.

**Cut to a clip of Serena fronting a music video. It’s very swish and shiny and the song isn’t bad at all.**

**Dominic:** Now that was seriously good. When is it out?

 **Serena:** It’s released tomorrow and only costs money from all good sales place things.

 **Dominic:** And that’s where I must cut things short. Ladies and gentlemen, put your paws together for the multi-talented Serena Airbrain!  And now, more melody based sonic enjoyment. Here with the new single, Butter My Fingers from his forthcoming album Pick Up the Mince, put your paws together for Ned Shaving!

**Ned's song is a slowish power ballad that’s got lots of twiddly guitar bits and lovely strings. It's the sort of thing they'd dance to on Strictly.**

**Ned:**

Get out your spreading knife

Go break out the Marge

Let us live the creamy life

Let us have it large

Show me your jammy side

Let the luxury linger

Live it high, live it wide

You can butter my fingers

 

Butter me up

Dairy me now

Milk in my cup

Bow down to the cow

Spread it on me

Lets not stay singular

Butter me please

Butter my fingers

 

Churn me some smooth butter

On your dairy farm

Your name I'll gladly utter

If you keep me calm

You can use marmalade

And I'll be your singer

If you come to my aid

And butter my fingers

 

Pick up the mince

Tidy the stable

De-clutter the bits

On the coffee table

Go to the fridge

I'll be your bell ringer

Just for a smidge

If you butter my fingers

 

With you I will linger

If you butter my fingers

 

**The song comes to an end and Dominic hops over.**

**Dominic:** Ned my man, that was pretty damn good.

 **Ned:** Thank You Dominic.

 **Dominic:** No, thank you Ned Shaving! I would love to chat more but the producer is shouting in my ear. A big hand for Ned Shaving! Also, please be upstanding and join me in thanking Dame Esme Collander, Edward Greasepaws, and Serena Airbrain, as well as the wonderful Ned Shaving! Join me next week for the last show in the series! **Big awwww from the audience** But don’t be too sad as I’ll be joined by actor Robert Julios, popular entertainer Bob Humber and cookery queen Mama Mia Lemelle. Music comes courtesy of The Thunder Nuts. Goodness knows where we’ll find Andreas. Until then, I’ll have a pint.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of Dame Esme's dialogue is swiped directly from Qi. Credit for her African reminiscences has to go to the lovely Ronni Ancona and the equally lovely Stephen Fry.   
> I hereby dedicate this episode to them and their cotton/man-made-fibre socks.


End file.
